Scrubbing the floor with a toothbrush

I have been on the go for the last two weeks doing Mom things and before that I was sick with the flu so I haven't had much time to do anything for myself. Today I have the house to myself for the first time in 3 weeks.  I was determined to write.  I came home from the school run, made myself a latte, turned off the TV and sat down at my laptop when the hammering coming from next door started.  A few minutes later, my cat started stalking me.  I have two cats, but one is a lot more trouble than the other.  Alfie is loud and constantly looking for attention.  People don't believe me about how loud the cat is until they get me on the phone and hear the constant meowing in the background.  He is seriously annoying, but I love him and try not to get too aggravated with him.  I used to worry my son's first words would be 'Alfie, Shut up!'  Anyway, he finally gave up and left after about a half hour when I threatened to throw him out the window (yes, he understands every word I say).  So much for a quiet morning.
I put my phone on silent, put my tablet out of reach and closed the browser to the internet (still trying to not get too annoyed about the constant hammering and by then trying to ignore a killer head ache).  I opened the story I'm currently working on and then the phone rang.  Apparently there was breaking news on the Boston Bombings.  I turned on the TV and went to find something to take for my head ache.
While I was getting a drink for my headache tablets, I decided to cook some soup I haven't had time to make (before the vegetables went bad) .  The soup is cooking, the news is on and I am blogging instead of writing my story.  They say that writers will often avoid writing at all costs, finding all sorts of things to distract them from the task at hand.  My teacher says some will scrub the floor with a toothbrush to avoid the unwritten word.  I may not be scrubbing the floor with a toothbrush, but I might as well be.
I guess once my soup is ready, I've had my lunch and my headache goes away, I'll try again (that's exactly when Alfie will be back to hound me)...

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New Recipes to Come...

I've had a couple of emails (as long as one request from a friend) asking for me to post some more recipes.  I just thought I'd let you know that as soon as I'm over the flu, I plan to go back to posting recipes again. I've  been submitting them to magazines lately as well and so far I've sold two recipes.  I'll be paid when they are published and will be making £50 for recipes I already had posted here.  All I had to do was copy, paste and attach my photo.  Not bad at all.  I'm pretty pleased with myself :-)

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Placebo Effect?

I've had the flu since Easter so my big 30 Day Shred is on hold until I'm fully recovered...
Last week I was up coughing pretty much all night for four straight nights.  I tried cold and flu medicine and all sorts of cough medicines, but nothing was helping.  By day five I was feeling pretty awful and sleep deprived when I saw a post on Facebook saying that if you put Vicks Vaporub on your feet, it will cure night time coughing.  I was pretty skeptical and felt really stupid for even considering anything I saw on Facebook, but I was desperate. I asked my husband to stop for some on his way home so I could try it.
That night, I put the Vaporub on the bottom of my feet and covered them with socks at 10:00.  I went to bed at 11:00 and slept through cough free until 5:00 the next morning (when I woke up coughing). I reapplied and went back to sleep until 8:00.  No kidding,  I couldn't believe it worked.
My husband thought it sounded pretty unlikely.  He said maybe I was getting better and I should try sleeping without it the following night.  Others said it had to be the placebo effect and others told me they had done it for years and it worked every time.  So the next night I tried no Vaporub. I took my cough medicine and went to bed.  Within a few hours, I was up coughing again.  I tried putting the Vaporub on my chest.  It worked for about a half an hour before I was coughing again.  I put the Vaporub on my feet again and slept through the rest of the night cough free.
The last couple of nights I haven't needed it.  I wake up coughing from time to time, but go back to sleep without trouble.  Does the Vaporub on the bottom of your feet really work?  Is it the placebo effect?  I don't know nor do I care.  It may have been all in my head, but I slept and that was good enough for me.  The only way to know for sure is to try it on my son next time he has a bad cough (without telling him what it's for).
I just thought I'd post this so that the next time you are up coughing and desperate for sleep, you can try it too.  If you do, please share the results.  It would be interesting to see what others say.

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Fierce

My son was home sick today.  On the cartoon he was watching the kids were complaining that their mom was bossy. Their dad told them she wasn't really bossy, she just came off that way because a good mom has to be fierce to protect her children (smart Dad). I asked my son, "Am I bossy?" His reply was, "No but you're fierce."  I'll take that as a compliment.

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30 Day Shred - Week 2

Well I'm on week 2 of the 30 day shred and I've lost 5 lbs.  Before I get comments about losing more than 2 lbs a week, I know what they say, but I'm not fighting the scale.
I have more energy and feel stronger every day. I stupidly tried moving up to level 2 the other day and have a very sore shoulder.  I injured it at the gym years ago and it still gives me trouble.  I promised myself I would not try to increase the weights or move on to level 2 for at least 4 weeks to give myself enough time to get stronger and the next day, I tried level 2!  I don't know why I do things like that!  Anyway, I learned my lesson and am publicly saying I won't try it again for another couple of weeks.  If I do it again, I promise to come back and admit my stupidity once again.



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30 Day Shred - Take 2

Last year I did the 30 day shred to get back into shape after gaining some weight over the winter.  I always gain weight over the winter as my arthritis gets worse and I'm less active.  I'm also prone to frequent flare ups that make me hesitant to workout.  Once the flare-ups happen, I'm always afraid of making it worse.  the end result is a weight gain of anywhere from 10 - 15 lbs.
Today, is day one of the 30 Day shred (take 2).  I did really well last year.  20 minute workouts are fairly easy to find the time for and I really saw a big difference in muscle tone after just a couple of months (with the results starting to show after the 30 days).  This year I have a 20 lb goal (not to mention getting my bikini body back).  If I lose the 20 lbs, I will officially be back to my pre-motherhood weight (I was pretty damn close last year).  That would really make me happy!
I'm writing it here because making it public, makes it more of a commitment.  I'm hoping by the time summer arrives, I'll be back to my old self .


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Webcam Fun

My son loves to play with the webcam and adding special effects to the photos.  Since I have little time to write, I just thought I'd share some of today's photos...

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Formatting for Kindle

I have written an e-book for Kindle.  It's a book of very short and simple writing prompts for writers.  At the moment, it's 365 writing prompts (obviously, my idea was one for every day). I have bought numerous writing prompt books and they are always filled with all sorts of plots and story starters giving a good amount of detail.  The thing I don't like about these books is that the prompts offer too much detail and leave very little to the imagination.  My book will be the other extreme.  It will give very simple and short opening lines that will leave the details to the writer.
Ok that said, I wrote the book and today, I started formatting it for Kindle.  I'm fried.  I should have researched this before finishing my first draft because I have each prompt on a separate page (I hate writing prompts books that just lump the prompts into a numbered list - it doesn't look inspiring to me - the prompt on an empty page shows so much room for creativity).  I've given myself quite a headache and at the moment, I want to throw my laptop out the window!
I may get my head around it in 10 minutes time and finish the formatting in 20 minutes, but right now, I'm feeling overwhelmed and really frustrated!

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My writing progress

The worst part of finishing a story that I'm really proud of is not being able to share it with anyone.  Most writing competitions do not allow previously published pieces to be entered.  This blog counts as publishing.  I finished a story the other day that I was really proud of.  It was my first darker piece with a twist as well.  I wrote all day on and off knowing how I wanted it to go.  I stopped to do my mom stuff, but for the most part, I wrote all day.  My back was killing me, but I wouldn't stop until I had a first draft done.  When I finally finished, I was on a high.  The high didn't last long because all there was to do was save it and close the document.  I shared it with a few people (mostly with people who love me and as I said before, people who love you will always give you great feedback), but that was it.  I really wanted to post it, but I'm pretty sure this one was good enough to enter into a competition and I didn't want to ruin my chances.  every time this happens I think of one person in particular who I know is good at giving constructive criticism without worrying about hurting my feeling, but we're not exactly on those sort of terms these days and it really makes me miss him.
Today, I paid to send it to Writer's Digest to have it professionally critiqued.  It will take 3 days before I get it back and the suspense is killing me.  I'm worried I'll get negative feedback that will burst my bubble.  I guess only time will tell.
My class that was supposed to start next week has been cancelled.  I can't say how disappointed I was to get that call.  It was supposed to be an editing course and I really needed it.  It may be re-scheduled for the spring, but I won't know until then.
I had my appointment with my teacher last week.  She critiqued two stories.  The very first one I ever wrote which needs to be reworked to an inch of it's life, but I expected that.  It was my first attempt and I knew it was weak.  She also went over a more recent story which was only in it's early stages.  That one she really liked and had very few changes to suggest (which was really encouraging).  I have to add to the story, but for the most part, she was really happy with it and even brainstormed with me on how to finish it.  I like all of the ideas we came up with, but have had little time to finish it.  I'm going to meet with her again next month.
As I write this, I am debating on waiting to click publish until I have time to proof-read, but if I do that, it could very well be another week.  so, here it goes without being looked over or edited... I'll try to write again soon.

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My Week

The more I learn about writing, the more I want to delete every entry of this blog and start over.  The writing is pretty poor.  It's cringe worthy.  One day I just may do it.  Either that or start editing them from beginning to end.  It took me years to write them and it would probably take me just as long to find the time to edit them.  The end result would be never having a new entry.  I guess I'll leave it for now, but I warn you - one day it will make me crazy and I'll just start deleting!
Here's some news.  I sold my first piece to a magazine.  I won't say what it was or to who, but I will say, I made a whopping £25 (about $40) on it :-) Hey, you have to start somewhere right?
Did I mention my book has been put on hold?  Here's the deal -  I am just starting out with writing.  I'm not that good - yet.  I really want to write the book, but I what I want more, is to write it well.  Right now, I'm writing shorter pieces.  Some of those pieces are little snippets of that story, but it's not something I'm working on full time.  I've written some short stories and some Flash Fiction (which I really enjoy).  I'm actually proud of one of them.  The others still need work, but I am learning a craft.  The book means too much to me to not do it well.  I know the story.  It's a part of me and it's not something I'll soon forget.  So for now, it's put aside.
I have joined a writing group which is great.  It's keeping me writing which is really important and I get really good feedback on my stuff from people who don't love me which is also important.  People who love you will almost always tell you your writing is spectacular because they want to be supportive.  People who don't love you are much more likely to tell you the truth.
At the end of the month, I start my second writing class.  It's only five weeks, but every little bit helps.  The teacher is great and she's tutoring me as well.  We have our first private session this week.  I am really nervous.  I had to submit a short story to her and because I respect her so much, it was like exposing a piece of my soul!  I feel so vulnerable.  The good news is, she's going to use it to teach me and she's pretty nice so I'll survive any criticism she gives.
I don't have a lot more to add.  My son was sick this week and my flare up hasn't died down yet so it's been a rough week.  I'm heavily medicated so I will not be surprised if I get comments saying this post was completely incoherent!

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The unexpected details...

We our first appointment with a social worker for adoption was on Tuesday.  It definitely gave us a lot to think about.  I don't know what I was expecting to find out, but I was not prepared for what we learned about the children that are adopted out of child services.  I expected to hear of trauma.  I expected to hear it would be a lot of work and they would need great deal of care and love.  I expected they might have a delay in development and their ability to learn.  What I didn't expect to hear was that 90% of the children that are up for adoption, have some sort of brain damage due to being exposed to drugs and alcohol in the womb.  The extent of the damage varies, but almost all of them have special needs in some form.
I don't know why I found this to be surprising. I don't know why it never crossed my mind.  Thinking about it now, it makes perfect sense, but It came as quite a shock to both me and my husband when we were told.  Our concern is that we might not know the extent of the damage from the beginning and could end up with a child that can end up with severe problems that we never expected to take on.
Don't get me wrong, we want to be able to give a child a loving home and stability that they've never had, but we have to think long and hard about bringing a special needs child into our family and what impact that would have on our young son.  Even if we decided that we (as parents) could be up for the challenge, we don't know if putting the burden on our son would be the best thing.  One day, we might not be around and we can end up leaving our son with the burden of taking care of that child for the rest of his life.  I'm not sure if that's something that would be fair to him.
It's a difficult choice.  We don't know what we're going to do.  We've decided to move on with applying, but we are proceeding with caution.  I called my doctor to schedule an appointment to discuss what it is we would be looking at.  We have no idea.  We want to ask at what age severe brain damage would be detected.  We want more information on what we could be faced with.  Once we have answers, we'll be able to make an informed decision on what to do.
I feel awful that I'm having second thoughts from the word go.  I went into this wanting to do an amazing thing for a child in need and now that I've been given the gory details, I'm getting cold feet!  I feel guilty.  Like I said, I don't know what I expected to hear, but I didn't expect to hear that 90% of the children in the system that are up for adoption, are children with special needs.
I will add that there were several times during the meeting, I nearly burst out in tears.  It was a difficult thing to find out the circumstances and details of these cases.  I knew it would be hard.  I thought I was ready, but you can't prepare yourself for such things.  It was awful.
I'm waiting for the call from my doctor and once, we've had a chance to sit down with him, my husband and I will have to take some time to figure out what we want to do.

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Step One

Some years back, I blogged about my husband and I considering adopting a child. Our son was still quite young back then and we didn't think it was the right time.  Now that he's a bit older (he turns 5 in May), we started discussing it again.  The outcome was that we are going to apply.  We have always wanted to take a child out of the child services system.  We want to offer a child a second chance at a loving stable home.
Being the class mom for my son's kindergarten class has been a big part of why it's come up again.  There are thirty children in his class and there isn't one kid, I don't like.  I love them all.  Even the ones that aren't well behaved - I can't help but love them because I've gotten a chance to get to know them and they are all so lovely in their own way.  I look at them and think it would break my heart if I found out that any of them were in a position that they weren't loved and taken care of at home.
I'm also really very sorry I didn't have a second child.  It's not that I can't have one.  I probably could, but we left it too long.  I'm not young anymore and there are so many things that can go wrong in a pregnancy for an older woman.  So, we're going to try to adopt and take a child out of the system instead.
If you have experience in this sort of thing and want to share a horror story or give me a word of warning, there is no need.  We've done our research.  We know it's not for the fainthearted.  We also know there is a chance we can be turned down.  It's far from a simple process, but the process starts tomorrow because we have our first appointment with a social worker to apply.
The process is a lengthy difficult one.  We know that, but we also just found out that our county is one of the first in the country that is trying out a new system that is supposed to be a lot faster.  What used to take a year or two is supposed to take about six months.  I'm not holding my breath on that.  I'll set my hopes on a year and go from there.
Tomorrow is step one.  I'll keep you posted on our progress.

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Mean Girls!

I've had a few emails asking where I've been.  As a rule, I don't blog when I'm miserable.  I don't like to write a bunch of woe is me posts that air my dirty laundry.
I'll summarize - my Christmas party was a disaster.  One of the party guests decided she didn't like me very much.  At the party, she said something (that wasn't true) that was apparently meant to make me look bad in front of my husband and other guests.  I decided there and then, I was done with her.  I didn't feel the need to say anything or cause a scene, but I knew I was done. She on the other hand, was not done and the following day, she caused a bit of a drama.  The end result is that there are very, very few people from my long awaited social circle who still want anything to do with me.  I won't give details or try to villainize anyone. It's just not my style.  There has apparently been enough of that already to cause so many people to turn against me without a word or even an ounce of consideration for my side of the story.
In all of my life when there has been a group of people where one of them turns on me, I've never been the one to come out on top.  It's just the way it's always gone for me.  Considering the struggle I've had to find a social circle in this country, I have taken this situation very much to heart and I have been really heart broken.
I keep hearing, 'If that's how they're treating you, they were never your friends in the first place .' I know that.  It's nothing I didn't already know deep down.  It's just that it's still no fun to go through.
The stress of the last month has caused a major flare up of my condition and I've finally come to realize I need to put it behind me before I end up really unwell.  I've looked for books on becoming less emotional or sensitive,  but sadly no-one has written one.  I guess I'll have to try figure it out on my own.
I can't believe I've gotten to this age and girls are still so mean!

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My Christmas Party

My Christmas party is tomorrow night.  The good news is I do not need a bigger house to hold the twenty guests  that originally accepted my invitation.  One by one most of them contacted me with mainly weak excuses on why they wouldn't be able to make it.  This is the problem with having few real friends and many acquaintances.  Real friends show up and acquaintances say they will, but if they are presented with a better offer will almost always opt out.
My guest list went from twenty to six in a matter of a week.  I also have six who are still on standby probably waiting to see if they get a better offer.  I'm sure it sounds like I'm angry by the result, but I'm really not.  I'm just telling it like it is.  I moved here eight years ago, well into adulthood.  When you move to a foreign country at any stage, it is always hard to find friends, but when you do it at a time in life when friendships are already formed and social circles are well defined, it makes it even harder to come by friends. I sometimes wonder if I will ever feel like this place is my home when I never feel truly settled.
Don't get me wrong, I have a husband I adore and a son that makes this house a home, but outside these walls I am a stranger in a strange land - even after eight years.
I am still looking forward to the party because I enjoy the people who are coming and I know it will be a good time.  I am having the party to try to avoid feeling homesick during the holiday season and although it will help, I doubt very much it will cure me completely of the holiday blues.  I will thoroughly enjoy watching my son's eyes light up when he sees his gifts on Christmas morning and love every second of him tearing into them.  But come dinner time at my in-law's house, I know I will be wishing I was at surrounded by my own family instead of my husband's family who I only see a few times a year and feel no attachment to (besides my mother in law who I really do love).
At least this year I am trying to not let it get me down.  I'm doing everything I can to distract myself and to try to ensure I have a good time.  I guess only time will tell.
With Christmas only days away and things getting busy, if I don't get a chance to blog again, I wish you all a Merry Christmas and all the best in the coming year.



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Nightmares

After watching the horror of what happened in CT all weekend, I kept my son home from school on Monday.  It just felt better having him here with me.  He's been having trouble sleeping and even though I made the decision to keep him home well before he woke up with a nightmare Sunday night, I told myself he needed the extra day off to get some extra rest.  The truth was I just wanted him close by.  I wasn't ready to drop him off and watch him walk out of sight.
Over the weekend he woke up at least once a night crying and asking me to stay with him.  On Sunday, he called me in and said, 'I can't sleep, Mommy.  Please stay next to me.'  After I finally got him back to sleep, I said to my husband, 'I hope he didn't catch any of it on TV'.
We made every effort to turn it off any time any mention of it came on when he was in the room, but when it first happened, he was there as we saw the children being brought out of the school.  As soon as I realized what it was we were seeing, I started to cry and urged my husband to turn it off before our son could catch on to what was happening.
Monday night, I asked my son why he was having trouble sleeping.  He said, 'I don't want to talk about it.'  I told him that sometimes it helps to talk about it.  We were laying in his bed at bedtime for our nightly cuddle time.  He laid there quietly for a minute and said, 'I just don't understand why they couldn't hold on.'  He said it in a timid way and I could tell he was upset.  I was confused and said, 'Who Baby?'
'The kids on the TV.  There was a boat accident.  The kids died.  I just don't understand why they couldn't hold on.'  My heart broke as it clicked in my mind what he was talking about.
In July, during our trip to NJ, there was a boat accident and some kids died.  We heard it on the news.  I knew my best friend was going out on her boat with her kids the day it happened.  We were in the car when we heard it.  My son was in the back seat.  He had just turned four.  I called my friend to make sure everything was okay.  They were all fine. Her daughter was sick and the trip was cancelled.  I told her what had happened and said how how relieved I was to hear they were okay.  When I hung up, my son said, 'Daddy can we talk about what Mommy just said on the phone?'  He was crying.  I felt awful.  I didn't think about him hearing it.  He was so young.  I just didn't think he'd understand.  He did.  We had a talk that day and we told him that sometimes bad things happened, but Mommy and Daddy would always be there to keep him safe.
Over this past weekend he must of seen the children's pictures on TV and caught on that they died.  In his four year old head, he must think that if a child dies, there must be a boat accident.  As heart breaking as that must be for him, I have to say it's a hell of a lot better than the truth would be.  I'm so grateful that he doesn't know the horrible truth.  I'd much rather comfort him over a boat accident than have him know there is true evil in the world.

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