My feet are freezing...

Thursday, October 20, 2005
It's cold this morning, that damp early Autumn cold that chills you to the bone.  As I type, I'm thinking I need to get some socks because my feet are freezing.  My joints hurt and my body feels broken down.  I wonder if a day will ever come that I don't wake up intensely aware of my body because of the pain.  I have been living with arthritis and symptoms that come with it for a all of my adult life and sometimes, it gets tiresome and I wish I could leave it for a while. 

Most people think it's a disease that just effects your joints, but it's so much more than that because when your joints are inflamed, so are the muscles.  The muscles effect the nerves... blah blah blah... Boring isn't it?  I hate to talk about it, but today the fatigue mixed with the pain is frustrating me.  It's hard to concentrate, so my courses are wasted on my brain that just isn't absorbing any new information.

I hate the change of season when it's from warm to cold.  It hurts like hell and doesn't really let up until Spring.  It's a long fall and winter and I'm never quite ready for it.  I really need to get some socks...

I don't like to complain or feel sorry for myself.  There are so many that live with illnesses far worse than mine.  I am lucky and am blessed to have a life that brings me such happiness and such peace.  It's surreal that I can be so fortunate.  Life thus far has not been easy, but now, at the end of each day, I can lay down in the arms of my husband and feel a the true meaning of the word felicity.  For that I am blessed so I will not complain.

I think I'll go get those socks...


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the pain is worth the reward

Monday, October 3, 2005
My favorite quote is: "I do not regret the things I've done, but those I did not do".  It's by favorite quote because it's how I feel life should be and how I wish I could feel about all of my regrets. 

Mistakes are made - that's the hard truth of life.  Wayne has always told me that if he could go back in time and change just one thing - he wouldn't because maybe, that change would lead him to somewhere other than to me.

I have made a lot of mistakes.  I try to learn from them.  Some lessons are more consequential than others and some, are just never learned.  Some, we try to forget and others should never be forgotten. Yesterday's blog was hard to write and even harder to read today, but I need to say this - although I wish it never happened, it's now a part of who I am.  Our experiences are what makes us who we are.  Maybe the pain is worth the reward because if it was Roger (the bad ex) that led me to Wayne, then if you asked me if I'd do it all again - I'd have to say I would because the pain is so worth the reward.


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Alfie, Luka and my sanity...

Sunday, October 2, 2005
I just cleaned out the cat pan for the 3rd time this week.  As a cat owner, this is my all time least favorite task.  I sometimes wish that I wasn't so fucken neurotic and I could let the cats outside without the fear that they will be killed or hurt in some way. But that's not who I am and I doubt I will ever be because as I sit here typing, I have the window open and I just had to call the cats into the room (once again) to make sure, they did not somehow sneak passed me and escape out the window to meet some horrible fate. Just as I finished typing the last sentence, I had to get up and close the windows because Alfie jumped up on the windowsill for the 10th time in the last half hour (and since this damned country doesnt believe in screens, I can't open a window to get some fresh air).

Right now, he is tearing up the TV guide I so carelessly left on the floor and without doubt his brother, Luka will join him within seconds because he copies everything Alfie does.

Since we returned from the states, they have become unnaturally attached to me and follow me from room to room - even if they are sound asleep when get up.  Every time I leave the room, Alfie is under my feet doing his best to trip me because he must think if I am on the floor, I will be so much more easily accessible to him (and Luka is always close behind).

When I walk up the stairs, they speed passed me and sprawl themselves on the steps above as if to block me from leaving the room.  When I step over them, they hurry under my feet to again, attempt to trip me and force me to their level.  I am only speculating, but can't think of any other reason they might do this.

They also have taken to scratching the bedroom door and crying for hours in the early morning and sometimes in the middle of the night.  I can almost swear that Alfie actually sticks his face in the crack under the door to make sure I hear him loud and clear!  I have a deal with my husband that the cats will never be permitted into the bedroom, so I am forced to put up with the late night/early morning antics and one of these days will be investing in some earplugs!

Just now, they both came tumbling down the stairs at a speed you wouldn't believe, chasing each other and are doing somersaults and back flips across the room.  It is only a matter of time before they run over me and add to the tiny scars I have all over my body since the arrival of these two bundles of joy!

To add to the level of chaos around here - my Alfie and Luka are Tonkinese (an oriental cat breed), which makes them big talkers.  Alfie, meows all day long (Luka lets Alfie do most of his talking for him and usually sits next to him as he talks as if to say- yeah, what he said).  Every time I move, Alfie seems to have something to say.  When I am cleaning or cooking, he gets especially yappy and meows constanty until I reach the brink of insanity and turn to him yelling 'WHAT??? - WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT FROM ME??? he then, comes over and drags himself across my ankles (purring), and rolls onto his back to get a little belly rub. It works every time because not only do I rub his belly but I pick him up for a little cuddle and a kiss.  With that, Luka comes running and rolls around on the floor until he gets his too!

When they are not playing like mad, getting into everthing they shouldn't or tormenting me, they are laying with me.  When watching TV, reading or on the computer - I am usually covered in cats sparwled out and happlily sleeping.  As much as they drive me crazy, I love them even more.  Alfie is a little love that is more affectionate than any cat I have ever known and Luka is a shy sweet little cat that is happiest curled up with me or Wayne and they two of them purr with just one look in their dirction. At only 5 months old, they are already such a big part of my life and I can't imagine my life without them.




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Perfect Moments part 3

Saturday, October 1, 2005
Having learned through the years, and being as in love with my husband Wayne as I am, I have managed to realize and capture many perfect moments as they arise. Like the first time he told me he loved me or when I was falling asleep on one of our first nights together and he whispered to me 'I'll always look after you.'


During my first trip to London, we took an evening walk over tower bridge. We noticed there was something going on in the park below and stopped to look. It was Alicia Keys holding a concert celebrating Wimbledon. She was right below us and she began singing 'I keep on falling'. It felt surreal. I was standing in his arms on tower bridge overlooking the Thames and listening to Alicia Keys sing live. I thought to myself, it doesn't get much more perfect than this.


The last perfect moment I will share was on our wedding day. The ceremony was held on the beach in Jamaica, overlooking the water. Afterwards, we were walking to take some photos in the gardens and I had to stop when we reached the walkway because my shoes were filled with sand. Wayne asked what was wrong and I when told him, he stopped in his tracks, got down on one knee right there (all dressed in his new suit). He took my shoes off one by one, poured the sand out, and brushed the rest from my feet before placing the shoe back on. Holding my bouquet in one hand, I leaned on his shoulder with the other to keep my balance and watched him brushing the sand from my feet. I can honestly say that at moment, I realized that I had never before felt so loved.


Today's song is 'This year's love' by David Gray to listen click here http://www.davidgray.com/music.php?id=112

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Perfect Moments...

Have you ever had a perfect moment? One of those moments that makes you feel like for just that moment, the rest of the world stands still? Have you ever had a moment that is so perfect, you close your eyes and take it in so that you will always remember the details?
I don't know if people pay enough attention in life. These moments are so few, so fleeting and so far between that if you're not careful, you might just miss them.
I have had a some that I managed to realize and captured in my mind like snapshots that I can look back on from time to time and remember what they felt like.
The first one I can remember, was my seeing my very first sunset. I was around the age of 19 and in California visiting my father who lived there at the time. My boyfriend, who was in the Army & stationed in California, came to spend a weekend with me during my visit. My father's house was on a mountainside that overlooked the ocean and Catalina Island. I don't know what I was doing, but while passing by the sliding glass doors, I saw a spectacular sunset. Growing up on the east coast, I had never seen one before and my breath got caught in my throat. I ran for my camera. My boyfriend must have seem me scurry by and followed me out on to the terrace just as I was snapping a few pictures. He walked up behind me, put his arms around my waist and laid his head on my shoulder and we shared the sunset. That is when I realized for the first time that these moments happen and the world stopped just for us as I closed my eyes and took it in.

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