What to write about?

Monday, July 30, 2007

What do I write about today?  Do I tell about the guy next to me at the grocery store this morning throwing up not once, but 3 times?  Not something I need to share any further...
Do I write about the card I got in the mail from my best friend telling me how much she misses me and how much it means to know she misses me as much as I do her? I can write for hours and never say enough about how hard it is to not be sharing our lives as much as we did before.  I'm missing her kids grow up.  I'm missing the small stuff, the big stuff and everything in between.  I miss her and sitting around talking about nothing and everything.  I just can't say enough about that...
Do I talk about how guilty I feel every time I light a cigarette because I've promised my husband I'd quit (again)?  The other day he came to me, hugged me and said it's time to stop.  He said he gave me my time (recovery time from the aftermath of the miscarriage) he said he gave me my time and it's time to stop smoking again and to start thinking about trying for a baby again.  I told him okay without an argument.  I promised I'd quit and today after the guy vomited next to me on the check-out line - I bought a pack of cigarettes.  When I got home, I called the hypnotist I went to to quit the first time I quit.  It worked before for 2 1/2 years and I have no doubt it will work again.  I'll go to see him later this week .  I just have to talk it over with Wayne first as it's gone up in price from

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It's such a shame...

Friday, July 27, 2007
I heard a song today that gave me a happy memory of an ex - an ex that's still one of my all time favorite people I've ever known. I wanted to write to him and say hello & share my memory and then I thought he'd probably rather I didn't. It's unfortunate that it has to be this way. I mean just because we've moved on why can't we still be a part of each other's lives? I guess it just doesn't work that way and I think it's a shame.

There are so few people we connect with in this life enough to say the words 'I love you' (Well at least I haven't had it happen many times) - so few people who we get to know on such an intimate level (and I don't mean sexually). We can spend years of our lives with that person being on the forefront of our minds and hearts, we get to know each other in ways that few ever do again and then one day they just fade into the background and we pretend they were never there at all. It's sad that this is the way it works. It seems such a waste and I think it's a shame. I mean once you love someone don't you always love them on some level? Is that just me? Am I one of the few that thinks it's wrong that we can love someone and when it's over we try to erase them and then just replace them. In my opinion - there isn't one person I've loved that can be replaced. Each one has been unique and have contributed to my life in very different ways. I wouldn't try to replace them or forget them and I think it's a shame that they would want me to. There are so few people in this life we truly know and love and I wish they didn't have to fade into the background.

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The early morning hours

Sometimes I hate this time of day.  The early morning hours of quiet isolation.  This morning I stood at my back door having my morning cigarette (I know, I know I swear I'm quitting again) and my first cup of coffee.  I stood there looking out over the houses trying to hear the waves of the ocean in the background, but I heard nothing.  It's the time of day that is just quiet.  The baby next door hasn't starting crying yet, the workman at the construction site down the street haven't begun working and my husband is still fast asleep upstairs.  The quiet should be peaceful, but for me it's not.  It just leaves me alone with my thoughts and makes me feel restless and lonely.
I've recently found out that someone from my past that's important to me reads this blog.  They read it without letting me know they are there.  Any other time this may be nice to find out, but right now it's not because right now it means they know what the past few months have been like for me and yet, they said nothing.  Not one word.  Not I'm sorry for what you've had to go through, no words of encouragement or support or even 'I'm still here'.  Sometimes it's all you need to hear 'I'm still here...' But they didn't say a word and I don't know what to think about that.
Sometimes I wish I was different and that things didn't effect me.  I wish I was the sort of person that just let things roll of my back without giving it a second thought.  I wish I could be less sensitive and less emotional.  It's my biggest downfall - it's the one thing I wish I could change about myself.  I wish I could be more carefree and a bit more callous.  That way, this time of morning would feel more peaceful instead of feeling so discontented.
I'm so glad it's Friday.  I look so forward to the time my husband and I have on the weekends.  Tonight we'll go out for dinner and drinks and as far as the rest of the weekend - I don't care what we do.  I just like spending time with him because when it's just him and I, nothing else really matters all that much.



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An old friend

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Last weekend, Wayne and I ran into an old friend of ours.  An old friend we don't speak to any more.  I don't speak to him because he hurt me and Wayne doesn't speak to because he doesn't like anyone who makes me cry.  He was the best of friends with Wayne long before me.  He was actually friends with Wayne and his ex (that's how they met).  When we ran into him - he was actually with Wayne's ex (although we didn't see her or even know she was there until much later - damnit, I'm dying to get a look at her!)
Anyway, running into him didn't exactly go well.  After having no contact for nearly a year, he's been trying to get in touch with Wayne and Wayne has been avoiding his calls for weeks now.  Apparently, he can't take a hint because he came over to talk to us regardless of Wayne's behavior.  He tried desperately to make conversation with us over the loud music at the bar we were at, offered to buy us a drink and Wayne never even looked him in the face.  Me on the other hand - I always feel bad and am not capable of being mean.  I tried to be nice and apologised for Wayne, but he soon gave up and left us to it.
The next morning, he called me (knowing Wayne would be sleeping in).  We talked for a long time.  He tried to start with small talk, but I just cut straight to it and asked him what exactly he wanted.  He stumbled over his words and tip-toed around the question - never really answering me.  We tried to talk things through, but in the end I'm not sure we accomplished much.  We left it with him telling me to talk it over with Wayne and get back to him (knowing full well that Wayne and I are a package deal).
When we hung up, the only thing Wayne had to say was 'I don't see the point - You're always going to care too much and he's always going to lie to you'  It's inevitable that you'll only get hurt again. I don't see the point.'  I know he's probably right, but I still feel so bad.  he's the only friend I've had in this country and although he did hurt me - I feel compelled to give him a chance.  Wayne on the other hand, has no intentions of doing so and I have no idea what it is I'm supposed to tell our old friend.  I can't tell him the truth because regardless of how much he's hurt me - I just can't bring myself to tell him what his ex-best friend really thinks of him.  I just can't break his heart that way.  So far, I've done nothing and I'm plagued with guilt.
I don't know what to do.  People always deserve second chances don't they? I've always been told that my heart is too big for my own good.  Maybe it's true.  Maybe I just need to learn not to expect so much out of people that way - I don't end up disappointed.  Maybe I should stop giving people the opportunity to hurt my feelings and learn when to say when.



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Re: My first NHS experience...

Sunday, July 15, 2007

I've had a few responses to my NHS entry and feel I should make one important point I didn't mention.  Many of my readers are expats that are here because they are married to British citizens.  If you have a spouse visa, you may come across the same problem I had when I first got my visa and I think it's important to make sure others are well informed...
Once I got my spouse visa,  and went to my local GP for the first time to be treated for a nasty flu thinking I was eligible for care through the NHS.  Upon arrival, I was told that because it said on my visa 'No recourse to public funds' I was not eligible for NHS care and was sent away without even having my temperature taken.  I went the next year without care for  an arthritic illness that I need treatment for from time to time and didn't like being refused treatment. 
We were really frustrated with the situation.  Wayne thought it must be a mistake so I did some research.  I found on an immigration support website, that this was in fact the case.  I called my GP's office and explained the situation.  I gave then the web address for them to refer to, but they wanted no part of it and abruptly told me I was wrong and was not eligible for care in their office.  I did more research made quite a few calls and was finally put through to the office that was in charge of the NHS in my area.  I finally got someone to help me.  He registered me to the local GP, sent me my NHS card and it was finally taken care of.
Unfortunately, I was already tainted by the situation and the bad experience I had in that office and until I got pregnant (almost a year later), never saw the inside if their office.  I just had no desire to deal with them.
I'm sharing this story so that expats that are here on a spouse visa know their rights and know the actions to take to resolve it if they come across the same sort of thing.



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Crazy cat lady

Friday, July 13, 2007

There's one thing that seems to be internationally known - crazy cat lady syndrome.  You know - the lady in the neighborhood who lives alone, never sees anyone, has loads of cats and the they are the only ones you actually have ever seen her speak to... I fear I'm dangerously close to being that lady.  Okay, so I only have 2 cats and I have a husband, but if not for the husband - add a few more cats...
I noticed the other day that a lot of people I talk to seem to ask 'So, how are the cats?'  when making conversation as if they are asking about my children.  This is probably because once they've covered the weather and have asked 'How's business', 'How's Wayne?' 'Have you been to the gym?' there's nothing left to ask about so they resort to - 'So how are the cats?' I do wonder sometimes what kind of answer they are looking for.  Am I supposed to give them some witty anecdote about how Alfie jumped Luka as he came out of the litter box the other day and scared the hell out of him?? I mean really - they're cats for Christ sake. They don't do much and they sure don't make very good conversation.  Are these people really interested in how my cats are or have they concluded that although I have a husband and I'm short a few cats - I've already become the crazy cat lady??
If you're reading this and have recently asked about my cats - please don't think I'm upset with you.  This is just me making fun of me.  But next time - tell me what's going on with you in your world.  The  cats will always be cats.  If there's something newsworthy - You'll hear about it.  :-)



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BORED!

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

I'm so f@cken bored.  What I wouldn't do for just one social contact in this country.  I spend 90% of my time by myself and to be quite honest - I'm sick of me.  I'm bored with me and I'm bored with trying desperately each day to find a way to just pass the time.  I hate to sound so 'woe is me' because I'm really not sitting around feeling sorry for myself, but I am sitting around feeling restless, alone and really stir crazy.
My business is small and these days it only takes me a couple of hours to do what needs to be done for the day.  I place my orders, touch base with customers who need me, send a few emails and in just a couple of hours - I'm done for the day and searching for things to do.  Wayne just let me know he won't be home until 8:00 tonight.  That's over 8 more hours I have to kill before then.
I think I say more to my cats each day than I do to actual humans - if they start talking back - I'll be really worried about my mental health!  I should go to the gym, but to be quite honest - since the miscarriage, I haven't been feeling much like going (I'm down to 3 days a week and some days feel like I can actually feel myself getting fatter).  Sometimes being out amongst people just makes me feel more alone.  It's not like anyone really talks to me and if they do, it's so superficial it feels not worth bothering.  I hate small talk.  I can have small talk with the cat at home and get just as much out of it as I can with some random gym employee who's job it is to act interested.  God, I'm cynical.
I was thinking of not publishing this post because who wants to read my complaints, but it's honest and I think a blog should be honest.  Plus, it might shed some light on why I don't blog more often - my life is so mundane that sometimes, there's just nothing to say.



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My first NHS experience...

Monday, July 9, 2007

Friday night, I had my first ER visit since moving here.  Earlier that day, I started having pain in my lower front side.  By the time Wayne came home, I was doubled over in pain and fighting going to the hospital.  I was burning up and peeing every 20 (which also hurt like hell).  I had heard horror stories about the care you get in hospitals here and had no desire to go.
When I had the miscarriage, the NHS (National Health Service) helpline sent me to an outpatient part of the hospital.  There, they didn't as much as take my temperature.  All they did was make me wait 3 hours in terrible pain (in a waiting room with the other healthy pregnant woman who were there for their ultrasounds), took a scan to confirm my miscarriage and sent me on my way with a pamphlet called 'Your miscarriage experienced'.  Oh, and I can't leave out the ultrasound technician who was inappropriately upbeat, cracking jokes and confirmed my miscarriage by saying 'Yeah, there's not going to be a baby this month, there's nothing in there but blood.' 
Needless to say - after that experience, I wasn't real keen on re-visiting the hospital...
Wayne and I ordered dinner which I suffered through and then told him we'd have to go.  There was no way I could wait to see the GP on Monday.  We were both a bit concerned that maybe the miscarriage could have been a ectopic pregnancy that the technician missed and thought we were better going sooner than later.  We arrived in the ER at 9:30 and where home in 2 hours.  I had heard that you don't get out of the ER here in less than 4 hours and was pleasantly surprised at the quick response and thorough care (In the US, I've never been home so quickly from an ER visit).  They took some tests and found I had an infection of some sort.  They gave me some antibiotics and pain meds.  Luckily, by the time were saw the Dr, my fever broke or he said he would have admitted me.  He told me if I became feverish again  to come right back because it could have meant the infection was spreading to my kidneys and I'd have to have a stay in the hospital until the infection cleared.  The fever didn't come back and a couple of hours after we got home, I was already feeling better.  We filled my prescription for the antibiotics the next day and it only cost

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My new neighbors

Thursday, July 5, 2007

About a month ago, I had new neighbors move in next door.  I had high hopes for  quiet neighbors.  The one that moved out, was far from unobtrusive.  I made the mistake of introducing myself when she moved in.  Two hours later, I was still standing in my driveway while she cried, telling me about her ex and their split.  I felt really sorry for her and listened patiently (still holding my gym bag and really late for starting dinner).  That day was the first of many.  She showed up weekly after that (unannounced) and would talk and talk.  The woman never let me get a word in edgewise - I still wonder if she even knew I was American! :-)  I always let her in.  I'm not the type to be mean.  I just can't say no to people who apparently need someone to talk to.  Now that she moved, she only pops in once a month -  Still unannounced (a huge pet-peeve of mine)...
So, when my new neighbors moved in, I didn't introduce myself and thought there was no way they could invade my space if we never met.  I was sadly mistaken.  They don't need to knock on my door to invade my space.  One of the biggest problems I've had with the wife is the fact that she's a big fan of the Dirty Dancing soundtrack.  She plays the damned thing every single day!  Other people shouldn't have to be forced to listen to the mashed potato song countless times a week!  I really wish she'd close her windows. 
Another thing is that they have a toddler who isn't well behaved in any way.  I listen to him cry all day every day.  He sure has a set of lungs on him - then comes her yelling at him which just makes things worse.  I sometimes wonder if he's trying to tell her to stop playing Dirty Dancing.  Maybe he too thinks it should have been left in it's era...  Then there is their other child.  He's bout 7 or 8 and is obsessed with his soccer ball.  He kicks it against our shared fence for at least an hour a day.  Very often it goes into my backyard and he has to knock on my door to ask me to retrieve it for him. 


Last but certainly not least there is the husband - he has a Harley - a very loud Harley that he drives to work on sunny days.  He leaves for work at 6 in the morning (the bastard) and when he does, I'm rudely awaken by the roar of his motorcycle starting and driving away.  In my world - the last thing I need is more hours in my day and once he wakes me up - I never get back to sleep.  I think I hate him most of all! 


With these new neighbors, I long for the days of unannounced visits from my talkative ex-neighbor.  I actually wish she never moved...



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A good omen...

Wednesday, July 4, 2007

Rainbow
This was the view out my back door the other day.  It's one of the perks of living here.  growing up in Jersey - I can't say I ever saw a real rainbow before in my life.  It was beautiful.  I stood there and watched it until the clouds came in and took it from view.
I'd like to say it's a sign of good things to come.  I like to think of it as a good omen that came to lift my spirits.  I've been down the last week or so, but the last couple of days, I've been feeling a lot better and more like myself.  Hopefully, it's a sign of brighter days...



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Thanks so much

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

I just wanted to thank everyone who offered their support through the miscarriage.  I'm feeling fine and back to normal - just haven't been in the mood for blogging lately.  I'll try to get back to it real soon.  Again - thank you all for your support and concern - it really is appreciated.



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