My block

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

The other day, I had someone say to me - 'What's with your blog? - It's weak.'  I know it's weak.  I know I avoid it like the plague and never actually sit down to do anything about it.  There are probably a few reasons for this...
A little over a month ago, I found out that two of my exes read this blog that I didn't know knew about it.  Knowing one of them in particular reads, makes it even harder to sit down and write about things that are going on in my life.  I run my own business from home so I don't have a lot of outside influences to inspire what I write about. In turn, this blog has always been very personal.  It's not like I can write about the little things like what happened on my way to work today or a conversation I have with a co-worker.  There is no office and there are no co-workers.  My life pretty much consists of Wayne, me, myself & I (not to mention the little guy I'm sharing my body with at the moment).  I'm not complaining mind you, but it doesn't leave much in the way of anecdotes to fill my blog entries with.  With this blog always being so very personal - knowing that my exes read it makes me feel a bit exposed.  Crazy right??  I mean this is a public blog on the world wide web!  Most of the people who read it are strangers - so why is it that knowing people who actually know me read it would make me feel so exposed??  I just can't explain it, but it's given me a block and I miss having the outlet of this blog.  In 3 months time, I'm going to have a baby.  I have a lot on my mind every day and countless things to write about, but it's just not easy sharing such personal topics with people who I used to share my like with, but don't any more. Am I making any sense at all?  Maybe I just need to get over it - I just wish I knew how to.



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I don't blog enough these days

Sunday, February 10, 2008

I don't blog nearly enough.  It's strange really because I'm the type that has always kept a journal or diary of some sort.  I need to write out what's on my mind to get it out and feel better for addressing it.  Since I've been pregnant, I can't seem to bring myself to do that and I'm really not sure why.  I have a pregnancy journal as well (actually, I have 2), but I have yet to really write anything in them.  Again, I'm not sure why.  I have so much on my mind and I'm feeling so much with this baby coming (as well as a few other things I've had on my mind as well), but I still can't bring myself to write it out...
I've kept to myself a lot since we got back from the states.  I don't make many calls and I spend my days alone quietly keeping busy.  I've had other expats email me to make contact with other expats living here - I want to respond to them - I keep meaning to and yet I don't any more than I blog when I know I should.  Maybe it's a bit of a slump I need to get through (although it's not as if I'm walking around depressed either) - I don't know what it is I'm going through, but I will try to be more diligent in writing and touching base with the people I know I should.



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If I knew then what I know now

Friday, February 1, 2008
How many times have we said to ourselves - If I knew then what I know now... I've thinking that a lot lately. The thing is that I've recently found out an ugly truth about my past that's been hard to come to terms with. It turns out that someone that meant a great deal to me was someone I don't know if I really knew. They kept something from me and in all these years, never told me the truth. If I had known then what I know now, a great deal of my life would have been very different - unbelievably different.
So now I know this truth and on one hand, I'm brokenhearted and feel so hurt (even after all these years). Maybe it's partly because they had no apology. They truly felt that because it happened so long ago, it required no explanation and actually treated me very badly when they realized how upset I was. On the other hand, I can't help but wonder if it's not knowing of that betrayal that's let me to where I am where I am now. If I had known who they really were, would I be here now with the love of my life having his baby? Did their lie bring me to this time and this place? If I could go back would I change it? As much as I hate what I've learned, I think I need to be grateful for never learning it and admit to myself that I wouldn't change it because maybe if I knew then what I know now - I wouldn't be where I am today. it was what I believed to be true that kept me on this path.
As much as it's hurt to learn the truth, in the end it's actually made me appreciate my husband even more than I did before. He's the only one who has been true to me. He's the only one who hasn't lied. They say that everything happens for a reason. Maybe I needed to find this out to know how lucky I am to have such a wonderful man to love me.

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