One week from today...

Tuesday, August 30, 2005
One week from today, we have our appointment for my visa.  I can hardly breathe I'm so nervous and today, I wish I still smoked!

I haven't been on here in so long.  I guess I haven't been in the mood to be in touch with my emotions.  I think I'm just trying to keep myself in check so I don't lose it. 

We had Wayne's sister and her family here for the weekend.  Phew, that was a lot of work!  Four adults and two children in one very small English house (with a surprising amount of bathrooms - 3 in all which was handy). It was a lot of cooking and an awful lot of dish washing too!

My new little niece is 5 next week and for some reason, she just adores me.  I spent the whole time with this beautiful little girl attached to my hip!  I got a little bit of insight on motherhood because I didn't get even a moment to myself.  I cooked - she helped (well she thought she was helping anyway), I cleaned - she helped, I sat down to breathe - she wouldn't have it!  I was forced to draw pictures for hours on end and wasn't even permitted to use the bathroom by myself (this was very unsettling for me, but I survived)! 

Everywhere we went, she had to hold MY hand and I was touched every time she came and hugged me for no reason at all telling me she loved me. I even went on the kiddie rides at the fair! And when she held both my hand and Wayne's as we walked along the sea front, I took a long hard look at how it might be if it was our child between us.  I'm thinking that motherhood can wait a bit longer because although she is just adorable and so very sweet - when she left - it was really nice to be able to relax again. 

I took some pictures of the sightseeing tour we took them on and if there's time before we leave Saturday for our trip to the States, I'll post them.  It was nice showing them around the city where we live because I sometimes forget how spectacular it really is.



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For my Firend... Today's

Wednesday, August 24, 2005


Today's song is for someone very special. Someone that was dear to me and that I lost on this day, 13 years ago. He was my best friend who I loved with all my heart. He was a friend that made me feel special - who's face lit up every time he saw me, told me he loved me every time we said good-bye and that always looked out for me. He died at the age of 24 and although he is gone, he will never be forgotten.


I chose this song because it makes me smile when I think back instead of sad. He sang it to me once...


I had just found out that my ex-boyfriend was having a baby with his new wife and was crushed over the news. We were out trying to get my mind off things at a restaurant/pub type place that had a jukebox that played quite loud. While we were sitting at the crowded bar, this song started playing and I instantly got upset and said with anger and pain, 'I hate this song, it reminds me of ... He played it last time we were together' Just then, my friend began to sing at the top of his lungs, right there in front of the whole place, telling me the song would no longer remind me of my ex, but from then on - would always remind me of him. He was right and it couldn't be more fitting. I truly believe that as he sang those words (the whole time trying desperately not to bust out in laughter), he meant every verse and on this day every year, I play this song and remember that moment.


Right here right now by Jesus Jones - This is for you Jeffery.


Flower Flower Flower  Flowers Flowers  Flowers Flowers Flowers Flowers  Flower  Flower    



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Visa Hell

Tuesday, August 23, 2005


Today, I am up to my eyeballs with paperwork and stress relating to my settlement visa application.  Everything I do makes me nervous, thinking I'm making a mistake or forgetting something and I end up looking it over 10 times as if I am obsessive compulsive or something (maybe I am! Shock 3)

When I think about it, I can't beleive this is my life and I am actually applying for a settlement visa so I can live with my British husband in England!  It's all very sureal and still so hard to wrap my head around!  ME living in another country!  I never thought I would ever visit a different country (other than some tropical island), never mind live here!  I have stamps in my passort!  Two countries thus far!  Imagine that - I'm a world traveler...


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The workmen part 2

Friday, August 19, 2005

Yesterday, I had to run some errands, and once again, I had to pass the workmen on my way to the shops on the harbor. I was in an awful, weepy- feeling sorry for myself kind of mood because I had just gotten news that one of my best friends will be out of town during my trip back to the states. As I got closer to the worksite, I could feel myself getting more and more self-conscious and uncomfortable and when I approached it, I told myself - 'it's no big deal, just look straight ahead keep up the pace'. While I was walking past them (with my MP3 player blaring to appear in my own world), I looked and saw that they all just stopped what they were doing and starred (all 15 or so of them), as if they had just been rescued from a deserted island and hadn't seen a woman for years.  Heart Eyes They just stood there in their hardhats and neon yellow work vests and stared as I walked by. I instantly felt hot under the collar and embarrassed by such attention and it almost made me stop in my tracks and turn back. Then, suddenly, I thought 'this has to stop!' so, with a 'if you can't beat 'em' type join them' type attitude, I just stopped, smiled and waved at them. With that, they all at once, smiled back and waved enthusiastically as I started on my way again. I laughed to myself and suddenly felt better and I have to say - that those guys made my day. Being a stranger in a strange place, sometimes makes me feel invisible, like I could scream and jump up and down and no-one would see me - but at least I know that if I want to be seen - I can just take a walk passed the construction site and I'll be sure to get at the very least a 'ello Love' from one of the guys!


  Smile



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Only Me!!

Thursday, August 18, 2005









Because I haven't been able to work while living here thus far (I don't have a work visa), I think I may be losing brain cells from lack of use because sometimes I thing I'm becoming just plain stupid and I've become horribly ditsy! To anyone who knows me - I wasn't ditsy before was I?


 Thinking 


For instance - this morning while taking a shower, I had a bit of a mishap - We have a shower massager - the type that has the coiled hose so you can take it down and use the massager function. The shower enclosure it's self is quite small (it would never fit both Wayne and I) so there's not much room to move around. The shower head is also on a slider attachment so that it can be adjusted to different heights and then the top piece swivels to add even more height adjustment. Wayne and I are constantly changing the height back and forth to suit our own needs.


This morning, I was quite groggy when I took my shower (from both the lack of sleep this week as well as the sleeping medication I took last night to ensure at least eight hours...). I adjusted the shower head a bit too much and while I was rinsing the shampoo from my hair, I hit it with my hand and knocked it right out of it's holder! I shuffled to catch it (so it didn't knock me on the my head or face as it came back down) and I was quick enough to catch it, but unfortunately for me, I caught it with the water facing not only up, but out as well! I shot water all over the bathroom and bathroom ceiling (and I actually said out loud - 'oh no' in a Homer Simpson type of way)! The strange part is - I now can only enter the bathroom armed with an umbrella because the water has stayed on the ceiling in theses large droplets. They don't fall all at once like you'd expect them to, they just stick there, mocking me by releasing a tiny drop every few seconds, so when you walk into the bathroom it seems to be raining in there! 


 Wet Umbrella 


This would be a good time to buy a mop (instead of washing the floors by hand) so that I can clean the water off of the ceiling without climbing onto something I will almost surely fall off of and kill myself - death my stupidity!


This is almost as ditsy as when I flooded the bathroom and the house on Wayne's birthday! Who does such things??


 Meathead 





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New Greenday Video

Tuesday, August 16, 2005
I just saw the new Greenday video for the second time and for the second time I was struck by how much it made me feel. It made me remember what it's like to be young and make promises you can't possibly keep, how it felt to have someone you love leave you behind and how it terrifying it was when a war broke out when that person was in the military. It also made my heart break for the boys fighting and dying at war right now. I don't think that young people will fully understand that the video is depicting what happens everyday. It may not always be a girlfriend or boyfriend waiting in desperation, but a parent or sibling, husband or wife, son or daughter or any other loved one. My heart goes out to anyone living through it. I was lucky I didn't have to actually live it, but I know there are so many waiting in despair for their loved one to come home safe. I can only hope, beyond hope that this war will soon end and those fighting can finally return safe to the people who love them.

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Today's song of the

Monday, August 15, 2005

Today's song of the day is 'One Thing' by Finger Eleven Click the link below to see the video...


http://www.fingereleven.com/video/oneThingWin.html


It was popular in the states just before I left to move here. I don't know what the song is really about, but to me, it's about all that I had to give up to move here to be with Wayne.


I remember every time I'd hear it, I'd turn it all the way up and instantly tear up overwhelmed with emotion - feeling scared, excited, happy and sad all at once. When I hear it now, I'm taken right back to how it felt to give up my precious pets, leave my home, my country, my family and my friends - all for one thing.


You never know where life will take you - sometimes, it's just a leap of faith.



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4AM

I can't sleep.  It's almost 4 in the morning and I laid in bed for over 4 hours, staring at the ceiling and listening to Wayne breath before I decided to get up and see if anyone is online - nobody is.   
I don't know why I can't sleep lately.  Maybe it's because I'm going home soon and it's wearing on me.  I don't know what kind of family problems will arise this time and now, since recent events have unfolded, I'm not sure which of my friends have disappointed me and I feel like there's not much left to go home to. I miss America more than I could say and I wish I could be happy about going back (I think tomorrow, I will start a list of what I miss most).  It's sad that I can't just let things roll off my back instead of weighing on my shoulders.  I wish I didn't always care so damned much.  I wish I was less sensitive.  I wish I was different. 
I also have to go for my appointment to apply for my marriage visa when I get back.  If approved, I will have the right to live and work in the UK and finally have the life of a normal resident of this country.  I'm terrified.  I'm terrified of not being approved (With the exchange rate, I'm down to less than 8K in savings and what if the British government doesn't think that's sufficient to support myself until I'm working??) and if I am approved, I'm terrified at the concept of trying to live normally here doing things like working - what will I be when I grow up?  And I'll have to learn to drive here too - not only the roads (wrong side of the car - wrong side of the road. tiny car, tiny roads! Roundabouts -AHHH), but a manual transmutation as well!  All without Wayne and I killing each other when he tries to teach me!
   
Everything is so uncertain and living in a strange place where the people have been less than welcoming and going so long without working, has reeked havoc on my confidence and I'm suddenly afraid of things that didn't faze me before.  I'm now very unsure of myself and so afraid of letting Wayne down.  Maybe once this trip is over and I have my visa (fingers crossed), I'll feel different.  Maybe right now it's just the fear of the unknown.
It's 4:20, I guess I should go back to bed.



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Sunbathing and the workmen

Thursday, August 11, 2005


Today, I went to get my nails done. I do this every couple of weeks when I feel the need to prove I'm not invisible to everyone other than my husband. It feels that way sometimes living here, but that's another entry

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Still smoke free??

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

I've been asked by a few people lately if I am still smoke free.  The answer is YES!!  Woo-hoo!   


No Smoking
It's been a struggle - especially when Wayne and I have a good fight - I just want to go out and smoke a whole pack just to spite him!  I even made it to the store once but thankfully, after walking quite a ways, the store was closed!  That was the one and only day I was grateful that I can't drive here because after the walk, I didn't want one anymore.  I could have easily gone to the nearest pub to buy a pack there, but by then, it was pointless (Wayne later told me that he would have made me eat the ones I didn't smoke if I had bought a pack!)

I only wish I had quit long before this move, because here in the UK, there are a lot more smokers and I smell it everywhere I go.  I wish I could say it turned my stomach , but for the most part, it just makes me want a cigarette!  After 7 months of not smoking - it's just a choice and I've chosen not to. 

I'm So ProudVictory dance --> Wakka Wakka


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Footprints on our hearts

Monday, August 8, 2005
A comment that was left for me as well as an email I received recently have inspired these thoughts…

I used to have a bookmark that I kept for years. On it read these words: ‘Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some people come into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts and we are never the same.’

Why is it that some people leave footprints and others don’t make even a dent? Why is it that some people can make such an impact that, years after, just the sound of their name can make your breath get caught in your throat and your heart skip a beat?

Love is a strange thing. It can be just as wonderful as it can be painful, but one thing remains the same – it changes us. For good or bad - it changes us. I may love my husband with all of my heart, but I don’t want to ever forget or regret the other loves I’ve had in my life. I want to always remember the lessons I learned from them. I want to someday when my child has their heart broken for the first time, to take out pictures and letters from my past and show them that it’s okay – the pain will one day fade. And if they’re lucky, one day the pain will become cherished memories - keepsakes in our hearts and let them know that it’s possible to have more than one great love in life. We should welcome the footprints that are left on our hearts and cherish them. It is part of what makes life beautiful and in my mind, it’s what life is really about.


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