My biggest misadventure...

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Looking for blogging topics, I looked on a blogging website that suggested writing about a time I was in grave danger -  I then realized I had a story worth sharing...


When
I was 19 years old, I was held up at gunpoint in a bank robbery. It was a Friday night after closing. My manager and I were alone in the bank and leaving
for the night  - while walking out the
back door, a man in a ski mask and holding a gun jumped us and forced us back
inside. I screamed and he shoved me
through the door telling me to be quiet. He walked us over to the alarm system, had my manager shut it down and then
led us over to the vault. He told my manger, Donna to open it and then put the
gun to my head. This terrified her and in
a panic, she struggled to get the combination right. She tried multiple times and began to
cry. I remember seeing spots in front of
my eyes and feeling like I was going to pass out, but thinking I would leave Donna
alone to handle the situation, I quickly composed myself and asked her to try
and relax before attempting to open the vault again. I told her just do what he said and we

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Big things on my mind...

Monday, May 14, 2007

Keeping this blog is tricky at times.  More times than not, I write when I need to feel more connected to the rest of the world.  It's 9:30 in the morning.  Wayne has left for work and until I go to the gym later today, I won't speak to another soul until it's at least late enough to call someone back home.  I have big things on my mind; things that seem inappropriate to share with the rest of the world rather than someone I'm close to.  This is what makes this blog so tricky.  When is it just plain inappropriate to blog about what's on my mind?  Maybe it's not so much this blog that makes it difficult -  maybe it's living here and not having a circle of friends to go to when I need to share the very personal aspects of my life.  Sometimes I feel very cut off.  Sometimes I can just scream out of the frustration of it all.  It's been nearly three years and I want more than anything to just get used to it being this way.  I want more than anything to just accept it as it is and be fine with it.  It appears it's not going to happen. 
All I want to do right now is call my friends and meet them for lunch so I can discuss the big things that are on my mind.  Instead, I'll throw myself into the work I have to do to distract myself, wait for it to be late enough to be able to call the states, and hope I get through to someone who has some time to talk...



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Just being honest...

Friday, May 11, 2007

I've gotten a few emails since yesterday's post from people trying to make me feel better about the email I got from the girl telling me I seem to have a weight problem.  First, let me just say that I wasn't fishing for compliments.  I am aware that I'm not 'obese', but I do have a scale and a mirror.  I was just really being honest about how it feels to be heavier than I've ever been.
After posting the picture of Wayne and I on the London eye, the one thing people said after seeing it was:  Did you lose weight?  You look so much thinner than you did last time you came home.  Sadly, I haven't really lost too much weight at all since my last visit, but apparently people noticed I needed to.  This is a difficult realization for me (but not at all something I didn't already know). 
During our last visit, I put on an outfit I had just bought.  It was a long cowl-neck sweater that I wore with leggings and a pair of ballet type flats.  It was an outfit very similar to something I probably wore in Jr. High School so I felt a bit self conscious about wearing it.  Wayne and I went to breakfast and ran a few errands before returning to the hotel to pick up some Christmas gifts we needed to bring with us to my mother's house that day.  Wayne kept looking at me funny all morning.  I kept asking - what?  Am I too old for this outfit?  Do I look silly?  He said no and I dismissed his looks until he did it again at the hotel.  I asked again.  He finally said,  'It's just that I think your legs jiggle in those leggings'.  Horrified, I screamed THEY JIGGLE?? and proceeded to walk back and forth in front of the mirror.  I then had a complete and utter hissy fit!  THEY JIGGLE AND YOU LET ME GO OUT LIKE THAT??  I wasn't mad that he said it, I was mad that he let me walk around like that!  I carried on for a little while about it, changed and retired the newly bought leggings to my never to be worn again category of clothing.
My best friend and I had a very frank conversation the other day about what it feels like to all of a sudden realize we're never going to be the girls we used to be.  I would love to be fine with that.  I'd love to say it doesn't matter.  I'd love to be happy with myself now, but I can't help but notice when I look in the mirror that I see someone I didn't expect to see.  The thing is that in my mind, I'm still that same girl.  It's just when I pick something out in a store for her and try it on as the woman I am, I'm always disappointed when I just can't seem to pull it off.
I know it's a part of getting older, but I want to get pregnant and I know with that my body will change drastically and I worry I'll become one of those woman that has a baby and is never recognisable again.  My mother tells me it happens to the best of of us and the fact that it matters will make all the difference when it comes to losing the weight after the baby.  It's the ones that stop caring that end up forever changed.  Considering she's had three kids, is over 60 and still looks great - I really hope she's right.



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An ego boost...

Thursday, May 10, 2007

A guy walked into a parked car while checking me out today.  Is it horrible that it made my day?  Hell, who am I kidding? It made my week!  Granted, I was walking out of the gym, wearing a form fitting top and reaching back to put on my jacket at the time.  Men and tits - they really make me laugh.  Poor bastard did it right in front of a workman working on the building next to us.  The workman called down to him saying - nice one!  I kept walking, smiling to myself and pretending not to notice.  Word got around the gym and a little while later, my trainer txt me saying 'Good job, Hart!'
I've been feeling fat and horrible lately (still struggling to lose the last 10 - 15 lbs I desperately wanted to lose before I get pregnant).  A couple of weeks ago, a random stranger that looked at my photo gallery on this site, emailed me to tell me I appear to have a weight problem and asked if I've tried weight watchers.  She ended with - you have such a pretty face - it would be a shame for you to become obese.  Obese?? Christ!  I was feeling like crap about my weight that day anyway.  Getting that email just made it worse.  I responded to her by saying: 'Thanks, you're a real charmer' and left it at that.  It wasn't what I wanted to say, but it wasn't worth saying anything more. After that experience, today's events gave me a much needed, shameless ego boost.  Does that make me vain - yes.  Does it make me a little bit sad - maybe, but I'll take it anyway.



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Our day in London...

Friday, May 4, 2007

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Well, I did it - I went on the London eye and it was really cool.  I only got dizzy a couple of times when I looked straight down.  Other than that it wasn't scary at all.  I was too busy taking pictures most of the time.  Img_0174b_4
Unfortunately, it was really overcast and the photos didn't come out as nice as I would have liked. I really enjoyed the ride and hope to go back when the weather is better.


I wish I could say the rest of our day went as well as our ride on the London Eye, but sadly, it was not the case.  Although it was really nice to see our friends, the journey into London put a real damper on the day - The train lines were being worked on between our town and London.  We couldn't get a direct train in, so we were forced to take the train to a station in between and take a bus to the station that was going into London.  The first train took 30 minutes (during which we were stuck sitting next to two drunk guys that were on their way to a soccer match - at 10:30 in the morning no less.  We think they may have been drunk from the night before).  Upon arrival to the next station, we had to wait 30 minutes for the bus to leave.  When we saw the driver studying a map, we had a pretty good idea that our journey may not be a smooth one.  Apparently, he was not a bus driver by trade because he not only didn't know where he was going, but he never went over 25 miles per hour the entire time - 90 minutes later, we reached the next station to pick up the train into London.  The train also seemed to be going extremely slow and we finally arrived in London 30 minutes later.  It was the trip from hell.  What should have taken no more than 90 minutes took 3 frustrating hours (so if we look a mess - it's because we were by the time we got there)! 


By the time we arrived we weren't in the best of moods.  Our friends had plans that night and we only got a few hours with them before we had to take the same journey back.  On the way back, the bus driver was a real bus driver and instead of going too slow, he drove a bit too fast and sitting in the back of the bus - we got a bit knocked around.  In the scheme of things - it could have been worse because the bus ride only took about an hour going back so instead of 3 hours it was 2 and a half.
Next time we go to London, we'll be sure to look at the train schedule before we leave the house - the journey by car would probably only taken 2 hours.  Live and learn.



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