On being 30-something...

Thursday, September 29, 2005
I started working out again this week.  Mainly, because I was so depressed about how I looked in all of the photos from my trip home (It appears some were happier with them than I was).  Most of the pictures that were half way decent, my body was blocked by someone else!  Is this my fate now that I'm thirty-something -  A never ending diet and workout regime? I don't even like to working out! How is it that something that is supposed to be so good for you can make you feel like you are going to die?

I didn't think I looked my age until recently, I saw a picture of me and Dougie's 18 year old girlfriend and for the first time, I was horrified to see that I actually look 30-something (I'll be sure not to sit next to her too often when we're out)!

You would think that this fan club silliness would have lifted my confidence in some way, but it hasn't.  Most of you that have participated haven't seen me in many years and I'm sure remember the girl I once was, not the woman I am today.

Don't get me wrong - it's lovely to be remembered in such a way, but my goal now is to no longer want to hide behind someone when there is a camera in site - but stand proud out in front.


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Googled Myself

Tuesday, September 27, 2005
Yesterday, under my technical difficulties post, someone left a comment trying to start a fan club for me here on this site.  Now, this is plain silliness and I am quite honestly, too embarrassed to be flattered about it!  I spent hours while trying to sleep last night, trying to figure out who it was that left the comment and for the life of me, I just don't know!  There was another post from someone who identified themselves as fan club member who knows me so well, that they practically were able to comment on my behalf!  I also have no idea who this could have been!

This blog has been a phenomenon for me.  I have heard from people that I haven't heard from in years that have found me by going to this site.  To name just a few, I have heard from someone from high school, a former colleague, reunited with an old & dear friend and have also heard from a past love that also visits the site from time to time (despite what light they my be depicted in when I write about my past relationships).  It's been quite extraordinary.

Yesterday's comments from people I can't imagine who they might be, made me Google myself.  I entered my first name, my maiden name, old married name, and my user name (the one I have used as long as I can remember) and it's all becoming clear.  I found not only this site, but forums I belong to, profiles from other email accounts and the most surprising was a photograph from my 10 year high school reunion I have never even seen before!!  If you have never done this using your name - give it a try.  It was very interesting experience.


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Last Night

Last night, Dougie (Wayne's Friend) came over.  He needed help with some stuff on his laptop and came over with it for me to look at. 

I should probably start by saying I know I never have anything good to say about Doug because I don't agree with his lifestyle - Womanizing very young girls (is that a contradiction of terms or what?), drunken behavior and his cheating ways when he is in a relationship that is supposed to be exclusive, But Doug isn't all bad.  He is a really good friend to Wayne and there isn't anything he wouldn't do for him (that alone scores points with me).  He picked us up from the airport at 6:30 in the morning and brought us bottled water, milk and bread just in case we didn't have any food in the house.  He also looks out for me by not letting any of his friends smoke in my presents knowing quitting has been difficult. There are a number of sweet kind-hearted things he does for us so, the thing about Dougie is I really like him, but he also infuriates me with his lifestyle.

His 18 year old girlfriend just left for college (I also disapprove very strongly with his choice to date girls who were children not so long ago).  I hated seeing how sad she was and how scared she was about leaving him.  She's such a sweet girl and she deserves so much better than what I know she'll get from him. 

I asked him last night to break up with her (knowing he has no intention of being faithful to her while she's gone and that he has no intention of making this relationship permanent) and I was pretty hard on him and I feel kind of bad about it today.

I was her age when I met the man who would be for the next 10++ years, the love of my life (before my husband of course) and I wish someone would have warned me - you'll wait for him for 2 years (after he leaves for the army) during which time he may or may not be faithful to you (I'll never really know). In the end, you'll only see him twice during that time. He will end up marrying another woman leaving you brokenhearted, and you will not get over him for another decade or so (see, not all my memories of him are full of hearts and flowers). If someone would have warned me, would I have stayed with him? - Hell, yes! I would have been with him anyway (no-one could have stopped me) trying to change our fate, but I would have at least known what I was signing up for!  That age is so important and there is so much this young girl will miss out on waiting for a man she will never have and I take it so personally.

Then their is the cheating issue Doug struggles with (he's cheated on every girlfriend he has ever had).  Trying to defend himself, he said to me, 'Even married men who love their wives and are married for years, make mistakes and cheat does that make them a bad person?' To which I responded, 'Cheating is not a mistake you make.  It's a choice.' It's not like you slip and fall - woops, oh my, look where my penis landed... Cheating is a whole chain of acts that you choose to continue with - You kiss and have the choice to stop, but don't - you touch and have the choice to stop, but don't - you undress and have the choice to stop, but don't.  All of these acts are a chain of events you choose to take when you cheat on the person you claim to love.  It is not a mistake.  A mistake is an accident like slipping and falling.  Cheating is a choice and it infuriates me to hear anyone try to excuse it! Until now, I am pretty sure no man has ever been faithful to me (I am positive all but one were not) and I take this issue also, very personally.

Wayne says I waste my breath and my time with Doug.  I should let it go and stop trying to change him.  Maybe he's right.  I guess I struggle with remaining friends with someone who's lifestyle I can't respect.  He infuriates me and yet I still like him.  It's strange - I don't know why, but I feel really bad for being so hard on him and I almost want to apologize for it.


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Asking for a ride in England

Monday, September 26, 2005
I have just been made aware of the fact that if I ask someone for a ride here in England, instead of asking for a lift, I am actually requesting sex!!  It's things like this that are so hard to get used to!  It's not like there is a handbook that comes with your visa - Although there should be!!


Some other things I have learned since arriving here...


** A fag is a cigarette, not a distasteful word for homosexual, so you can imagine my surprise when my husband asked me for the 1st time after kissing me (when I still smoked), if I was just sucking on a fag!


** A toilet is the word for restroom not just the thing you sit on (the word restroom just gets you a blank look when asking for directions to the nearest bathroom).


** Pants are actually underwear here not trousers, so while walking down the street talking to my husband saying, 'I think I'll wear my black pants tonight', gets me some pretty interesting looks from passer-byers!


** A period refers to menstruation not a punctuation mark (which is called a 'full stop') so if you make a statement saying something like: We're not doing that tonight - period (meaning end of conversation), people might look at you funny as well.


** A fanny is a word for female genitalia - not a cute word for butt (My husband still giggles like a child when he sees a fanny-mae commercial on TV in the US). So, I don't recommend saying to a child 'Did you fall on your fanny.' You might get a good talking to by a angry parent!


** You all right (said like: Y'alright)?  Is a greeting like saying 'how ya doin?'  When I first arrived I used to wonder why everyone seemed so concerned.  I thought maybe I looked sad all the time!


** An aubergine is an eggplant, a courgette is a Zucchini, a prawn in a shrimp and a biscuit is a cookie and a sweet is candy (I can go on and on)...


** If someone asks you over for tea, they are actually inviting you over for dinner so, don't eat before arriving or you'll be eating twice that day!


** Bugger is not a cute replacement word for a curse either!  It is a very dirty word to use, so I'm glad I never used it in the presents of my new in-laws!


There are a million things like this that make it a challenge to have simple conversations with people here in England if you speak American vs English and I am still learning.  I am just glad I didn't ask one of Wayne's friends for a ride before finding out it's true meaning!



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Back from the Sates

Monday, September 19, 2005
Due to the time difference, it takes forever to feel right after returning from the states.  Our flight is always a night flight so we can get an extra day with friends and family.  We suffer for it later because we don't sleep on the plane and we arrive in London in the morning.  We come home, unpack, sleep for a couple of hours and get up until the evening to try to get on England time.  In the end, we end up with only about 2 or 3 hours of sleep in a 36 hour time span. 

It fucks with your body clock and after 5 days back, we still feel like hell.  Wayne is sleeping now (It's 2pm) after being up all night and I slept until 3pm yesterday and didn't get to sleep last night until 3am.  I got up this morning at 10 so hopefully, I'm getting back on track.

The trip went well.  My visa appointment was so easy, it was ridiculous!  All that stress and preparation for 10 minutes at a window passing paperwork back and forth.  It was no more difficult than the DMV!

I envisioned our appointment to be like something out of the movies where they put you in separate rooms and grill you about each other to prove your relationship is real, asking questions about our favorite foods and brands of toothpaste.  That never happened.  It was over in 10 minutes and they said I could pick up my visa in an hour.  When I picked it up, I walked away, fell into Wayne's arms and cried from relief because it was finally over. 

The rest of our 10 days were spent driving from place to place all over NJ and NY.  We covered from Long Beach Island (Jersey Shore) to Manhattan.  We stayed at the Hyatt Regency in Princeton to be near my father and drove an hour or so to see my family near the shore, we went to Red bank to visit a friend on one day and LBI the next and up to Staten Island NY another.  It was non stop from the day we arrived to the day we left. 

All in all, it was typical - a few family issues (as always) and a lot of time spreading myself too thin and trying to please everyone else but me.  I really enjoyed my time with my friends and family (most of the time), but I'm tired and quite honestly, glad to be back.


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