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Showing posts from 2007

Our trip so far(& the baby's sex)...

We arrived in the US on the 17th and since then, we haven't stopped at all.  We have been running from visit to visit and christmas shopping in between.  We've both been suffering with really bad colds for days now and I'm letting Wayne sleep in today.  Our trips back are always busy and we often return home feeling like we need a vacation to recover from our vacation.  That being said - It's been wonderul to see everyone and I'm so happy to be home.  I think we're half-way through our trip now and I'm already sad just thinking about going back.
It's been quite a ride so far - My first day here, we went to the OB/GYN to get a check up.  In the UK while pregnant, there seems to be almost no care until you get to your third trimester.  The schedule is as follows: 6-8 weeks - first midwife appointment (no exam just a meeting for medical history and a few basic blood tests). Week 12 - ultrasound & 1 screening test for downs syndrome (but no midwife appt)…

Me with my ever growning belly

I've had a few requests for pictures of me with my expanding pregnant bump.  I'm going out to lunch today so I had a pic snapped before leaving the house...

Leaving Monday!

It's been a busy time.  We're leaving Monday morning for our 25 day trip back to the states.  I'm really excited.  I haven't been home in a year and it makes it all the more special this year being pregnant.  The morning after we arrive, I have an appointment with an OB Doctor out there.  I'm hoping to get an ultrasound while I'm there so we can find out the sex of the baby.  I've invited my Mom to come with us thinking it would be nice for her to experience (considering she's missing so much with me so far away).  Now, my sister has asked if she can come.  It's turning into quite the event!  I'm going to be so embarrassed having so many people come with me for a routine Doctor's appointment, but I didn't want to say no.  I only hope that my brother and step father don't ask to tag along as well!  Those who know me, know that my family isn't always so supportive so, I'm going to take advantage of the enthusiasm while it's…

Thin Walls

It's odd waking up to the voice of a stranger.  The walls are really thin in this house and I am often woken up by my neighbors.  Some nights it's in the wee hours of the morning that I'm woken up by one of the children crying.  It's happened on more than one occasion at around 2-3AM and I can only imagine it's nightmares waking the child up and I wish I could say that their mother is quick to go to them, but it often takes a while before the crying stops.  Some days it's the voice of one of the woman calling out to the children that wakes me and some mornings I'm actually woken by the sound of their alarm clock (the other day that happened at 5:45 in the morning). 
This morning, I woke up to a voice calling out 'Come on you two' as if it was coming from the same room.  It was 6AM and I wanted to cry since I didn't get to sleep until around 2:00 this morning.  I keep earplugs next to my bed, but don't like to sleep with them in because it ca…

Pregnancy Brain

I don't know what it is, but pregnancy seems to be having an adverse effect on me.  I've become a little bit stupid, very clumsy,  and also have trouble concentrating.  I can't think of normal words while writing or having conversations, I've become accident prone and break or drop things on a regular basis, and do random idiotic things! 
The other day while cooking dinner, I put the olive oil in the refrigerator and the milk in the cupboard and didn't notice it until I needed the milk a while later.  I also called my Doctor in the US to make an appointment.  I made the appointment for Dec. 14th even though I don't even arrive in the country until the 17th!  I didn't even notice - I called my Mom to tell her the appt date and she caught it immediately!  I'm constantly doing silly things and most of the time I just feel distracted and preoccupied.  I only hope this is a temporary affliction and after the baby comes, I start getting back to normal.

It finally hit me

It finally happened last night - I finally had the retaliation of that fact that I'm going to have a baby.  I've been through so much from the start of this pregnancy that I think I just wouldn't allow myself to feel too much - probably as a way to stay strong through it all.  I haven't been able to really get in touch with my emotions and I've been wondering if it would ever happen.  Last night it happened and boy did it happen.  Out of nowhere while watching TV, I started to cry.  I went over to my husband, sat on his lap and just started blabbering through my tears saying things like - We're going to have a baby! and I've waited my whole life for this!  My goodness did the tears flow!  It was 4 months worth of emotion coming out all at once.  Maybe it was hearing the heart beat again or getting a glimpse of the baby during the ultrasound or finding out that everything really was okay (again).  I don't know what triggered it, but it finally came and I…

Another hospital visit...

This morning I had to go back to the hospital.  I've been having a lot of pain and cramping for the last few days and this morning said enough is enough - we have to go to make sure everything is okay.  The good news is that we heard the baby's heartbeat and the doctor assured me he thought it was fine.  He took some blood work and some other tests and came to the conclusion I have an infection of some sort that has given me an 'irritable uterus'.  They are unsure if the infection is due to the surgery or if it's completely unrelated.  They gave me an antibiotic and are sending me back for an ultrasound later today to make sure it's nothing to do with my ovaries. 
I just can't seem to catch a break.  It seems to be one scare after another.  I really would love it if I could just have some time to relax and enjoy this experience. 
Physically, I'm feeling okay - just a bit worn out, but I'm just glad everything
with the baby is fine.  I'm hoping to…

Technology and human interaction

I just watched the movie, 'You've Got mail'.  It reminded me of a time when email was different - when people took the time to say something real.  I guess then it was still a novelty. It seems these days people use it as a quick and easy option.

In a world of email, instant messages, cell phone texts and social networks it seems to
me that people have forgotten how to really communicate and interact with each other
on anything other than a superficial basis.
Technology seems to be taking the place of human interaction. It seems
these days, people use it as a cop-out way to communicate without
having to actually commit to conversation or any real human interaction. We
send quick emails and say things like - 'Hi, just a quick note to see how you
are' which is fine, but if we really want to know, wouldn't we
take the time to really find out?  Or worse - We forward something that
someone else forwarded us! I absolutely hate forwarded mail - It's not even an original th…

An attempt at normalcy

In an attempt to feel like a part of the outside world, I went out today and ran some errands.  I did my hair and make-up and went to the shops.  I bought some flowers just because and walked around the cloths shops looking for something I could wear with my baby bump, but didn't find anything.  I swear this town doesn't have one maternity shop.
On my way home I ran into my personal trainer and the only person I would consider a friend in this country.  He hasn't seen me in a while and couldn't stop looking at my belly.  I had to say 'You just can't take your eyes off of it can you?'  He said no, it's just too weird!  We stood in the parking lot and talked for a few minutes and promised we'd have lunch soon.  It almost felt normal - like I have a life outside this house and it made me feel better.
When I got home, the police came to my door asking questions about my neighbor.  She apparently got out of her abusive marriage and is being harassed by the…

Life as I know it...

It's 6am.  I don't sleep well these days.  I don't think I've slept a good night in months.  I know I don't write as often as I should, but I find it difficult lately to find the words for what I'm thinking and feeling.  It's odd really - I've always been the sort to keep a record of my life.  I've always kept journals or found some outlet to write down my thoughts - to get it out.  I have bought 3 pregnancy journals so far, but have yet to have a pen touch one.  I can't find the words.
It's not just pregnancy though - it's the day to day life of living here and having no-one but my husband.  Since I got sick, Wayne has had to work a lot of extra hours to make up for all the time he missed when I needed him home and now he's getting ready to shut down his business for a month when we go back the states for Christmas.  I am alone more than 12 hours a day and it's wearing on me.  Some days I accept it as just the way it is, some day…

A quick update...

I just wrote an entire entry that I deleted because I haven't written in a while and I didn't think I should start by complaining.  We moved on Friday and long story short - my hideous neighbor that lived next door to me in the last house just happened to move in next door to our new house!  What are the chances right?  This time the walls are thin and I don't have to have the windows open to hear her, her terror of a toddler or the music.  This morning I was woken up by the child screaming and I have the flu so my mood is a bit...
Anyway, it's been a busy time.  Leading up to the move, I did as much as I could, but Wayne had to take care of most of it.  The day we moved was a lot of the same and since then I've been trying to do as much as I can each day so that Wayne isn't bogged down this weekend.  I still can't do much lifting or bending so I feel pretty useless and if I do too much and end up in pain - Wayne ends up pretty angry with me.  I feel like I&…

Going Home!

Last night, I booked our trip home for Christmas!  I'm so excited because this year we'll be going for nearly a month (25 days to be exact)!  We'll be leaving on Dec 17th and coming back on Jan 10th.  It's a really long trip and I'm really happy we'll be doing it this year.
I had my doubts we'd be making the trip.  We've had a lot of extra expenses lately and we've both missed a lot of work due to my surgery and recovery.  Wayne missed 2 weeks and I missed over 3.  We both have our own businesses and we don't get paid if we don't work. 
Our house has just sold so we're moving on the 16th and the move is costing a couple thousand pounds.  I also had to apply for my last and final visa last month which cost a whopping

Amazing!

I had my 3 month ultrasound today and the first phase of the test I wrote about last week.  What an amazing experience it was!  I didn't expect the baby to look so much like a baby yet.  I just had an ultrasound 2 weeks ago after the surgery, but there wasn't much to see then.  Today, I saw a fully formed baby that appeared to be sucking it's thumb at one point!  I watched it move around and saw the little heart beat away!  I am overcome with emotion and such happiness.
The test results were quite good.  Judging by the measurements they took, the odds of down syndrome went from (judging by age and family history) 1 in 200 to 1 in 1200!  The doctor said that couples with this result don't normally go through with the other test. 
Wayne and I didn't expect the numbers to change so drastically.  We're leaning toward not going through with the other test.  It's invasive and there is a risk of miscarriage.  We called the midwife to discuss it with her, but she wa…

Really emotional today

I'm really emotional today.  I have an ultrasound on Monday followed by a consultation for a test I have to have done which will take place within days of the ultrasound.  The test is called CVS testing.  It's a test that detects chromosomal abnormalities such as Down's syndrome.  Because of my age and the fact that I had an aunt with down's syndrome - the test is something that my midwife highly recommends I have.  It's a lot like amniocentesis only done much earlier and is supposed to be much safer.  They go in with a needle and take cells from the placenta.  It's safer, but there is still a 1 in 100 chance of miscarriage following the test.
Wayne and I discussed this sort of thing before ever trying to get pregnant.  We always knew we'd have the test done and when it came up, we instatnly agreed to it. 

That was before I had the surgery and came really close to losing the baby (they didn't give very good odds before operating).  After all I've b…

The whole sorted story...

I'm waiting for the visiting nurse to come and change the dressing on my incision so I can take a shower.  Showers are a luxury these days, but what I want most is to be able to bend over and have the ability to shave my legs and give myself a much needed pedicure!  I think it will be a while longer before that happens...
I guess I'm getting a little ahead of myself though.  Where do I start with this story?  It's been a long couple of months and so much has happened.  I guess I should start with the fact that on September 10th, I found out I was pregnant.  I didn't write about it because to be honest, after the miscarriage in June, this pregnancy felt really private and I only shared the news with a select few.  Wayne and I agreed to hold off on the celebration until the first 3 months were over. 
Almost immediately I started having pain in my right side.  I tried not to panic and thought it would pass.  Soon after, other symptoms started to arise - fatigue, nausea and…

Our London Trip (and Orlando Bloom)

Our trip to London was fabulous.  We had a really great time.  We were only supposed to be there 1 night, but we were having such a wonderful time we decided to stay another night.  We left Saturday morning and came home Monday night.  It was a holiday weekend so it worked out perfectly.  We figure since we're trying for a baby - our days of splurging and spur of the moment weekends away may be numbered. So, we're living for the moment and really enjoying ourselves.
The first night, we stayed in Trafalgar Square at The Trafalgar Hotel and the second night we stayed at the Marriott in Kensington.  Both hotels were wonderful and well worth the money.  We booked through priceline.com again and I can't say enough how much we've saved using that website - without using it we would never stay at such luxurious hotels - I highly recommend it!
Saturday night we had tickets to see a play called 'In Celebration' which starred Orlando Bloom.  I really like him and was surp…

Cherish yesterday, live for today and hope for tomorrow

Yesterday, after writing about a friend that died many years ago, I had a comment by a reader that told me I must live in the present.  Yesterday was not a good day to say this to me.  It bothered me - as if I was being told I don't live in the present or worse it suggested I should forget my friend.  This is a public blog that has visitors from all over the world most of whom I don't know.  Comments are bound to be made - some I'll agree with and others I won't.  It's a part of the experience and I welcome any feedback that my readers want to give.  But I have to say that this comment just didn't sit well with me and I'm going to attempt to explain why.
I don't like being told to forget my past.  It's insulting to be told to forget what's made me the person I am.  I think people spend too much damn time trying to forget their pasts.  Believe me, there are a lot of things I would like to forget.  My life has not always been easy.  I had a childho…

On This Day...

Today is a significant day for me. It was on this day 15 years ago, that I lost a friend - one of the best friends I've ever had. I write about him every year. I try not to talk about how he died, but how he lived. So today I'm going to start from the beginning...
When you're a kid, summer is a magical time filled with adventures and possibilities. When we finish school and get older, somehow that magic fades and we forget what it was like to be so young, carefree and optimistic. With age, it becomes a season instead of the adventure it once was. My last summer of magic and optimistic youth was the summer of '89.
That summer, my high school sweetheart dumped me for the 2nd consecutive summer (wanting the time to be free before the fall when he’d decide he wanted a girlfriend again). I was down in the dumps and a friend invited me to a party to try to cheer me up. She wanted me to meet her new boyfriend and said that he had a friend she knew I’d hit it off with. S…

The time has come

After a long few months, it's time for Wayne and I to start trying for a baby again.  To be honest, I've been tentative about this time coming.  A few weeks ago, I was thinking that I didn't think I'd want to try again right away.  My thinking was that when we do try again I'd have to be prepared for the possibility of another miscarriage.  I'm 35 and would be lying if I said I wasn't worried that there could be something wrong with me that would cause me to not be able to sustain a pregnancy.  The doctors here don't do tests until it's happened 3 times.  My biggest fear is that I may have missed my chance.  I know my worries may be superfluous, but it's still a possibility that I have to recognise and it's really not something I can say I'd be prepared for no matter how much time I tried to allow myself. 
So now that the time has come, I can't help but want to try again right away.  Wayne was keen to dismiss the doctors advise on wa…

Some good news!

I've had so much going on in the last few months that have just thrown me into a bit of a tailspin and I've been really down.  The same week I had the miscarriage, I was given the news that I was losing my business.  I have a small cosmetics web store and I was told by my supplier that they were changing sales policies and shutting down all outside web business (driving all internet sales to their own site).  They told me that as of Sept. 10th all sites will be shut down.  This news hit me hard and the timing was awful.
My supplier has guidelines in place for outside sales that I have never I'm really followed.  I have always broken the rules and knew that sooner or later they would catch up to me and shut me down.  It's been over a year.  I've had some warnings from them, but never listened thinking I'd keep going until they forced me to close.  I've always viewed it as riding the wave while I could.  I knew one day it would come to an end but wasn't re…

Updates...

It has been brought to my attention that I don't follow up on things I write about.  I mention things that go on, but don't mention them again.  Quite honestly, I didn't think there was enough interest to warrant it, but I've been told I should so I've decided to write a quick update...
On quitting smoking - I'm sorry to report that I've faltered and over the weekend bought a pack of cigarettes.  It's been an emotional time for me and I've found it quite difficult to quit.  I think the unexpected experience I had while under hypnosis may have caused it to be ineffective this time around and have made an appointment to go back to see him next week.
On the in-law's visit-  It went okay.  No problems.  All I can say is that it was a VERY long 4 days.  It's not that I dislike them - I just don't know them all that well and it's awkward when they visit.
On the entry about my old friend - I ended up giving into my guilt over the situation and…

Photos of our town

It's been a long time since I've shared any of my photography.  Today, I updated my Photos Section with a a new album (called 'Our Town') of photos I took around our town while Wayne's parents were visiting earlier this month.
I take for granted how beautiful it is where we live.  I've included photos of the town centre (which is on the sea front) and also the cliffs we have here (also known as 'the downs').  You will notice in some of the photos that were taken at the downs  flowers and crosses on the side of the cliffs.  Those were left by the loved ones of people who jumped from the cliffs.  Some might find this morbid or disturbing to see, but I've included them because it's a part of the experience of the downs.  I've been told that more suicides take place there than anywhere in all of Europe (about 25 a year according to an article I read on the BBC News website).  It's a sad fact and as beautiful as the place is - it can't be …

My hypnosis session...

I went to the hypnotist yesterday to quit smoking.  I'm feeling ok.  I've done this before and it worked for 2 1/2 years so I know it can work.  I just have to get through the next couple of days and I'll be fine.  I'm having my first cup of coffee now.  My favorite cigarette of the day was with my morning cup of coffee.  Last time, I gave up coffee as well just because I found it associated too much with smoking, but this time I'm trying to keep the coffee.  I've only been smoking for a matter of months this time around - last time was nearly 15 years so I think I might be able to handle my morning cup of coffee without the added nicotine hit.  Time will tell...
Hypnosis is a really odd experience.  People say that you don't remember anything that happens while under - I think those people are full of it and have never actually experienced it.  I remember everything and while sitting there, I was completely aware of the room and the sounds around me.  That…

The in-laws are coming!

My in-laws are arriving tomorrow.  They're staying until Monday.  I know it's awful, but I've been dreading their arrival for weeks.  They're nice enough people, but I don't know them well.  I see them only a few times a year and this house is small for 4 people.  Wayne and his family are not what I'd call close knit.  They're almost awkward around each other and it's not easy to deal with.  I always feel as if it's on me to keep up conversation and it's exhausting when they're here for more than a couple of days.
His mother is a bit of a clean freak.  I can clean this house from top to bottom twice and never feel like it's clean enough for a woman who bleaches her tea cups on a weekly basis.  I keep a clean house, but by her standards - my house must seem a mess.  I've cleaned the guest bathroom twice.  I have the menu planned and later tonight, I'll be ironing their bedding (not something I would nornally do, but she does and I …

What to write about?

What do I write about today?  Do I tell about the guy next to me at the grocery store this morning throwing up not once, but 3 times?  Not something I need to share any further...
Do I write about the card I got in the mail from my best friend telling me how much she misses me and how much it means to know she misses me as much as I do her? I can write for hours and never say enough about how hard it is to not be sharing our lives as much as we did before.  I'm missing her kids grow up.  I'm missing the small stuff, the big stuff and everything in between.  I miss her and sitting around talking about nothing and everything.  I just can't say enough about that...
Do I talk about how guilty I feel every time I light a cigarette because I've promised my husband I'd quit (again)?  The other day he came to me, hugged me and said it's time to stop.  He said he gave me my time (recovery time from the aftermath of the miscarriage) he said he gave me my time and it's …

It's such a shame...

I heard a song today that gave me a happy memory of an ex - an ex that's still one of my all time favorite people I've ever known. I wanted to write to him and say hello & share my memory and then I thought he'd probably rather I didn't. It's unfortunate that it has to be this way. I mean just because we've moved on why can't we still be a part of each other's lives? I guess it just doesn't work that way and I think it's a shame.

There are so few people we connect with in this life enough to say the words 'I love you' (Well at least I haven't had it happen many times) - so few people who we get to know on such an intimate level (and I don't mean sexually). We can spend years of our lives with that person being on the forefront of our minds and hearts, we get to know each other in ways that few ever do again and then one day they just fade into the background and we pretend they were never there at all. It's sad that…

The early morning hours

Sometimes I hate this time of day.  The early morning hours of quiet isolation.  This morning I stood at my back door having my morning cigarette (I know, I know I swear I'm quitting again) and my first cup of coffee.  I stood there looking out over the houses trying to hear the waves of the ocean in the background, but I heard nothing.  It's the time of day that is just quiet.  The baby next door hasn't starting crying yet, the workman at the construction site down the street haven't begun working and my husband is still fast asleep upstairs.  The quiet should be peaceful, but for me it's not.  It just leaves me alone with my thoughts and makes me feel restless and lonely.
I've recently found out that someone from my past that's important to me reads this blog.  They read it without letting me know they are there.  Any other time this may be nice to find out, but right now it's not because right now it means they know what the past few months have been …

An old friend

Last weekend, Wayne and I ran into an old friend of ours.  An old friend we don't speak to any more.  I don't speak to him because he hurt me and Wayne doesn't speak to because he doesn't like anyone who makes me cry.  He was the best of friends with Wayne long before me.  He was actually friends with Wayne and his ex (that's how they met).  When we ran into him - he was actually with Wayne's ex (although we didn't see her or even know she was there until much later - damnit, I'm dying to get a look at her!)
Anyway, running into him didn't exactly go well.  After having no contact for nearly a year, he's been trying to get in touch with Wayne and Wayne has been avoiding his calls for weeks now.  Apparently, he can't take a hint because he came over to talk to us regardless of Wayne's behavior.  He tried desperately to make conversation with us over the loud music at the bar we were at, offered to buy us a drink and Wayne never even looked…

Re: My first NHS experience...

I've had a few responses to my NHS entry and feel I should make one important point I didn't mention.  Many of my readers are expats that are here because they are married to British citizens.  If you have a spouse visa, you may come across the same problem I had when I first got my visa and I think it's important to make sure others are well informed...
Once I got my spouse visa,  and went to my local GP for the first time to be treated for a nasty flu thinking I was eligible for care through the NHS.  Upon arrival, I was told that because it said on my visa 'No recourse to public funds' I was not eligible for NHS care and was sent away without even having my temperature taken.  I went the next year without care for  an arthritic illness that I need treatment for from time to time and didn't like being refused treatment. 
We were really frustrated with the situation.  Wayne thought it must be a mistake so I did some research.  I found on an immigration support …

Crazy cat lady

There's one thing that seems to be internationally known - crazy cat lady syndrome.  You know - the lady in the neighborhood who lives alone, never sees anyone, has loads of cats and the they are the only ones you actually have ever seen her speak to... I fear I'm dangerously close to being that lady.  Okay, so I only have 2 cats and I have a husband, but if not for the husband - add a few more cats...
I noticed the other day that a lot of people I talk to seem to ask 'So, how are the cats?'  when making conversation as if they are asking about my children.  This is probably because once they've covered the weather and have asked 'How's business', 'How's Wayne?' 'Have you been to the gym?' there's nothing left to ask about so they resort to - 'So how are the cats?' I do wonder sometimes what kind of answer they are looking for.  Am I supposed to give them some witty anecdote about how Alfie jumped Luka as he came out of th…

BORED!

I'm so f@cken bored.  What I wouldn't do for just one social contact in this country.  I spend 90% of my time by myself and to be quite honest - I'm sick of me.  I'm bored with me and I'm bored with trying desperately each day to find a way to just pass the time.  I hate to sound so 'woe is me' because I'm really not sitting around feeling sorry for myself, but I am sitting around feeling restless, alone and really stir crazy.
My business is small and these days it only takes me a couple of hours to do what needs to be done for the day.  I place my orders, touch base with customers who need me, send a few emails and in just a couple of hours - I'm done for the day and searching for things to do.  Wayne just let me know he won't be home until 8:00 tonight.  That's over 8 more hours I have to kill before then.
I think I say more to my cats each day than I do to actual humans - if they start talking back - I'll be really worried about my ment…

My first NHS experience...

Friday night, I had my first ER visit since moving here.  Earlier that day, I started having pain in my lower front side.  By the time Wayne came home, I was doubled over in pain and fighting going to the hospital.  I was burning up and peeing every 20 (which also hurt like hell).  I had heard horror stories about the care you get in hospitals here and had no desire to go.
When I had the miscarriage, the NHS (National Health Service) helpline sent me to an outpatient part of the hospital.  There, they didn't as much as take my temperature.  All they did was make me wait 3 hours in terrible pain (in a waiting room with the other healthy pregnant woman who were there for their ultrasounds), took a scan to confirm my miscarriage and sent me on my way with a pamphlet called 'Your miscarriage experienced'.  Oh, and I can't leave out the ultrasound technician who was inappropriately upbeat, cracking jokes and confirmed my miscarriage by saying 'Yeah, there's not going…

My new neighbors

About a month ago, I had new neighbors move in next door.  I had high hopes for  quiet neighbors.  The one that moved out, was far from unobtrusive.  I made the mistake of introducing myself when she moved in.  Two hours later, I was still standing in my driveway while she cried, telling me about her ex and their split.  I felt really sorry for her and listened patiently (still holding my gym bag and really late for starting dinner).  That day was the first of many.  She showed up weekly after that (unannounced) and would talk and talk.  The woman never let me get a word in edgewise - I still wonder if she even knew I was American! :-)  I always let her in.  I'm not the type to be mean.  I just can't say no to people who apparently need someone to talk to.  Now that she moved, she only pops in once a month -  Still unannounced (a huge pet-peeve of mine)...
So, when my new neighbors moved in, I didn't introduce myself and thought there was no way they could invade my space i…

A good omen...

This was the view out my back door the other day.  It's one of the perks of living here.  growing up in Jersey - I can't say I ever saw a real rainbow before in my life.  It was beautiful.  I stood there and watched it until the clouds came in and took it from view.
I'd like to say it's a sign of good things to come.  I like to think of it as a good omen that came to lift my spirits.  I've been down the last week or so, but the last couple of days, I've been feeling a lot better and more like myself.  Hopefully, it's a sign of brighter days...

Thanks so much

I just wanted to thank everyone who offered their support through the miscarriage.  I'm feeling fine and back to normal - just haven't been in the mood for blogging lately.  I'll try to get back to it real soon.  Again - thank you all for your support and concern - it really is appreciated.

It still seems surreal

You would think I'd have a lot to say.  I'm pregnant and big things are going on, but oddly enough I really don't have a lot to say.  I think I'm still trying to wrap my head around the fact that it's actually happening.
I went to the Dr last Monday and waited over an hour just to have him hand me a cup to pee in and bring back to the office the following day to confirm I was pregnant.  That was it - no exam - no nothing.  5 days later, I finally had my confirmation.  Things sure do move slowly in this country.
I feel pretty good.  I have my moments of wooziness that pass quickly enough (albeit it happens pretty regularly).  I've been dead tired, but other than that - I'm fine.  It's still early days, but fingers crossed - maybe I won't get any morning sickness.
I have my first appointment with the midwife on the 20th.  I don't get a scan for another 6 or 7 weeks and I have a feeling it won't seem real until that happens.  I've quit smoking…

My biggest misadventure...

Looking for blogging topics, I looked on a blogging website that suggested writing about a time I was in grave danger -  I then realized I had a story worth sharing...

When
I was 19 years old, I was held up at gunpoint in a bank robbery. It was a Friday night after closing. My manager and I were alone in the bank and leaving
for the night  - while walking out the
back door, a man in a ski mask and holding a gun jumped us and forced us back
inside. I screamed and he shoved me
through the door telling me to be quiet. He walked us over to the alarm system, had my manager shut it down and then
led us over to the vault. He told my manger, Donna to open it and then put the
gun to my head. This terrified her and in
a panic, she struggled to get the combination right. She tried multiple times and began to
cry. I remember seeing spots in front of
my eyes and feeling like I was going to pass out, but thinking I would leave Donna
alone to handle the situation, I quickly composed myself and asked her to try
a…

Big things on my mind...

Keeping this blog is tricky at times.  More times than not, I write when I need to feel more connected to the rest of the world.  It's 9:30 in the morning.  Wayne has left for work and until I go to the gym later today, I won't speak to another soul until it's at least late enough to call someone back home.  I have big things on my mind; things that seem inappropriate to share with the rest of the world rather than someone I'm close to.  This is what makes this blog so tricky.  When is it just plain inappropriate to blog about what's on my mind?  Maybe it's not so much this blog that makes it difficult -  maybe it's living here and not having a circle of friends to go to when I need to share the very personal aspects of my life.  Sometimes I feel very cut off.  Sometimes I can just scream out of the frustration of it all.  It's been nearly three years and I want more than anything to just get used to it being this way.  I want more than anything to just…

Just being honest...

I've gotten a few emails since yesterday's post from people trying to make me feel better about the email I got from the girl telling me I seem to have a weight problem.  First, let me just say that I wasn't fishing for compliments.  I am aware that I'm not 'obese', but I do have a scale and a mirror.  I was just really being honest about how it feels to be heavier than I've ever been.
After posting the picture of Wayne and I on the London eye, the one thing people said after seeing it was:  Did you lose weight?  You look so much thinner than you did last time you came home.  Sadly, I haven't really lost too much weight at all since my last visit, but apparently people noticed I needed to.  This is a difficult realization for me (but not at all something I didn't already know). 
During our last visit, I put on an outfit I had just bought.  It was a long cowl-neck sweater that I wore with leggings and a pair of ballet type flats.  It was an outfit ver…

An ego boost...

A guy walked into a parked car while checking me out today.  Is it horrible that it made my day?  Hell, who am I kidding? It made my week!  Granted, I was walking out of the gym, wearing a form fitting top and reaching back to put on my jacket at the time.  Men and tits - they really make me laugh.  Poor bastard did it right in front of a workman working on the building next to us.  The workman called down to him saying - nice one!  I kept walking, smiling to myself and pretending not to notice.  Word got around the gym and a little while later, my trainer txt me saying 'Good job, Hart!'
I've been feeling fat and horrible lately (still struggling to lose the last 10 - 15 lbs I desperately wanted to lose before I get pregnant).  A couple of weeks ago, a random stranger that looked at my photo gallery on this site, emailed me to tell me I appear to have a weight problem and asked if I've tried weight watchers.  She ended with - you have such a pretty face - it would be a …

Our day in London...

Well, I did it - I went on the London eye and it was really cool.  I only got dizzy a couple of times when I looked straight down.  Other than that it wasn't scary at all.  I was too busy taking pictures most of the time. 
Unfortunately, it was really overcast and the photos didn't come out as nice as I would have liked. I really enjoyed the ride and hope to go back when the weather is better.
I wish I could say the rest of our day went as well as our ride on the London Eye, but sadly, it was not the case.  Although it was really nice to see our friends, the journey into London put a real damper on the day - The train lines were being worked on between our town and London.  We couldn't get a direct train in, so we were forced to take the train to a station in between and take a bus to the station that was going into London.  The first train took 30 minutes (during which we were stuck sitting next to two drunk guys that were on their way to a soccer match - at 10:30 in the m…

Some more random thoughts...

I just talked to an old friend for the first time in ages.  It was really nice to catch up and have a fun, light-hearted conversation.  I don't get to do that with people other than my husband much these days.  When Wayne came home, I said - I talked to Roy today - he says I'm funny.  As if this was news worthy.  I guess I sometimes wonder if I still have a personality.  Apparently, Roy thinks I do :-)
My friend Aniela is coming to England this weekend.  We're meeting her, her husband and her daughter in London on Sunday.  I'm looking really froward to it.  I don't get to hang out with friends (especially on my turf) and it will be really nice to feel normal for a change.  We haven't seen them since our trip back to the States and it's going to to be really good to see them.
We're thinking about going on the London Eye while in London (the biggest ferris wheel in the world).  I'll have to see if I can get the nerve - I'm terrified of heights and c…

A friend's words of wisdom

I recieved an email from a friend today offering her support after yesterday's dreary entry.  She told me she knows how I feel having spent a lot of time in Italy (her husband is Italian and now lives in the States with the intention of becoming a citizen).  She told me not to let it get to me too much.  She said,'You have lived here and you know what this country is about.  Yes, we have a
shitty leader, but he does not define us and you were here during 9/11 to see
what being an American truly means.'
That statement says it all.  When 9/11 happened America changed and what it means to be American changed as well.  People here don't understand our Patriotism.  They think it's strange that we pledge allegiance to the flag and stand for our national anthem.  Yes, we've always done that, but since 9/11 I think we all stand a bit taller.
Being from NJ, living so close to NY, 9/11 hit me hard (as I'm sure it did all of the US).  I went to school with someone that di…

Here we go again...

When I heard about the shootings yesterday, my first thought was how horrible it was for the victims and their loved ones.  As it unfolded and the numbers grew, I must admit I started having more and more feelings of dread over the media coverage and the debate that would follow.  I knew it would turn into a frenzy of American bashing.  I knew it would turn into an excuse to pick on the American way of life and I couldn't help but think - here we go again.
This morning, while eating my breakfast, I chose to stay away from American news channels - afraid to hear the things I knew would fuel the opinions of the British public.  I wanted to stay away from hearing the Americans that choose to take this opportunity to fight for the right to bare arms.  I chose BBC News 24 and sat there content with watching stories unrelated to the tragic massacre that took place yesterday.  Wayne came down for breakfast, picked up the remote and changed it over to the talk radio station he was listenin…

Very Random thoughts

I just watched the movie 'The Holiday' It's been a while since I've enjoyed a romantic comedy.  It was really cute.  It was about an English & an American woman who swap houses for a couple of weeks to get away and they both find love in the country they're visiting.  Pretty good concept; although I thought they could have done a bit more with how it is when you visit a foreign country for the first time. 

The acting for the most part wasn't great but for me, the beauty Jude Law made it almost unnoticeable.  That man is the epitome of movie star good looks. Wayne came home in the middle of the movie and asked - How's Jude look?  My reply 'He's Fantastic and yes, he's still number one on my list... You know the list of people you're allowed to sleep with given the opportunity.  Our rule is that your only allowed to sleep with the person at the top of your list. 
For fun on a rainy weekend a while back, Wayne and I created our top 20 lists…