4 Weeks to go!

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

As of today, I have 4 weeks to go until my due date - unless we go by the US doctors who put my due date a week earlier.  It will be interesting to see who's closer.  I'm hoping for sooner rather than later.  I had what seemed like false labor over the weekend & I've had a lot of pains and twinges ever since that are different than I've had before and I'm hoping it's my body preparing for labor.  Even if it's the 4 week due date, I have to say that it's wonderful to be on the home stretch and starting month 9.  I feel like I've been pregnant forever and can't wait to get to the end!
I am finally at the point that they say to pack the hospital bag because it can happen at any time after 36 weeks (I'm 36 weeks today).  I've shopped for packing the bag but wanted to wait to pack it.  I think I'll do that later today.  It will make me feel like I'm actually getting somewhere. 
The baby's room is just about finished.  I have some shelves to paint and hang, Wayne has to hang the curtain rods so I can put up the curtains and there's some boxes to move out of the room.  Once that's done the room will be ready aside from the glider chair I have yet to order.  The chair will be our last purchase.  We have more than everything we need to be prepared - all I really need is a baby!  Over the weekend Wayne & I went to get the little items I need for the hospital bag and the last little items I wanted to have on hand (ie - ear thermometer, alcohol wipes to clean the belly button & other little things like that).  As we finish the last of our purchases it makes it even more real and I get even more excited for this baby to come.  4 weeks isn't a bad time frame, but if it were up to me - this baby would be here today!  I guess I'll have to wait for him to decide he's   ready too!



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Spider panic

Monday, April 21, 2008

I just did the most ridicules thing! I went into the baby's room to get something out of the wardrobe and when I opened the door, I was confronted with a very large spider sitting on the sleeve of one of the baby's sleep sacks that was hanging there.  I am really bad with spiders - it's an awful phobia.  Looking at it there I thought, if I leave it there and run - I'll lose it somewhere in the baby's room!  I can't leave it in the baby's room!  What do I do??  I looked around for my options and thought I just need to get it out the window somehow.  I couldn't get close enough to grab the sleep sack to shake out the window - every time I moved the hanger the spider moved and it was too much for me to deal with.  The spider could have fallen into the wardrobe and then I'd have to search for it.  Worse - it could have fallen on me!  I started to panic and then I saw the curtain rod against the wall.  I stood far enough away so that if it fell it wouldn't fall on me, took the pole of the curtain rod and used it to pick up the hanger of the sleep sack and slowly guided it to the open window (all the while having a mini panic attack).  I got it out the window, shook the rod and the spider just crawled up the sleep sack - it wasn't going anywhere.  So, I did the only thing I could do - I dropped the spider (along with the sleep sack) out the third floor window into my back yard.  I figured Wayne could get it for me and shake it out when he got home and I could wash the sleep sack, but at least the spider was out of the baby's room! 
I feel ridicules.  Who knows if any of my neighbors witnessed my act of panic.  I must have looked like a nut dropping the baby cloths out the window with a pole!  What kind of mother will I be if I can't even handle a spider in a rational way?  My child won't have a shot in hell to not be afraid of spiders if he ever has to witness something like that!  Maybe when it comes to my child, I'll be braver and be able to handle my phobia a bit better.  I sure hope so!



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Nothing is easy these days

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Everything is a struggle these days.  The bigger I get, the less I can do.  We hired cleaners to do the heavy cleaning around the house for the last weeks of the pregnancy and the first weeks of recovery after the baby comes.  They're here now and I have to say it feels very strange having people clean my house around me while I sit here typing away.  I guess I should just feel grateful we have the means to hire help because with 4 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms - it's just too much for me to take on any more.  Still, I feel like a spoiled housewife...
The baby is still breech.  The teacher from my prenatal classes came to my house last week to show me maneuvers and positions to get into to help encourage the baby to turn.  The thing is that you can't move a sleeping baby so I have to wait until he's active to do it.  On top of that, it's pretty strenuous to do so I also have to be feeling well enough to do it.  10 minutes a position for an hour - hard work!  I'll keep it up though because I'll do anything to avoid surgery.
One of the other moms from my class has invited me to go to a mommy group tomorrow morning and afterwards, we're meeting another mom for lunch.  The group is called bumps and babies and it's for both mothers and expectant mothers.  They meet once a week for 2 hours in the morning.  Finally, a chance to meet people and maybe make some friends.  I'm hopeful and a bit nervous as well.  After 3 1/2 years living here, it sure would be nice to finally have a girlfriend or two.
It's been lonely through this pregnancy.  It's difficult not having friends and family around to be enthusiastic and remind you what a wonderful thing it is that's happening.  There are no smiling faces at my door or rubbing of the belly with enthusiasiem and happiness for the impending birth.  I spend 80% of my time on my own and I feel like I've had to go through so much of the pregnancy alone.  Don't get me wrong - Wayne hasn't missed one appointment or class.  Anything that has to be done - he makes sure he's there and I'm grateful to have the support.  The thing is he's a man and it's not the same as having my Mom, sister and girlfriends around that really understand a bit more than a man really can.  I've been really lonely and sad lately and wishing that I was going to be back in the States for the birth.  Hopefully, loved ones will be able to make it over for a visit - here's hoping anyway...



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A nice couple of weeks

Saturday, March 15, 2008

The last couple of weeks have been really lovely pregnancy weeks.  Last week, we started our pre-natal (antenatal in the UK) classes.  It's a very small group of us that meet on Thursday evenings at the teacher's house.  It's really nice because it's very casual and quite social.  Because there are only 3 other couples, we cover what ever it is we want to cover (although the teacher does make sure she covers the essentials).  It's been lovely for me because I certainly don't have a social life and having other couples to share and discuss things with has been really enjoyable.
This week, my midwife was on vacation and her replacement was wonderful.  During my examination, she showed me the babies head between her two hands on my belly.  She showed both Wayne and I by directing our hands as well - it was amazing.  She was so enthusiastic about it as well (my midwife has no personality and doesn't seem to enjoy her job in any way).  It was the most enjoyable midwife appointment I've had to date - I only wish I could replace my midwife with her for good.
The most exciting thing this week is that today, we're going to have a 4D ultrasound!  We're going to get an actual peek at what our baby looks like!  I am so excited, I'm jumping out of my skin!  I just can't wait!  I'll scan the photos and post them as soon as I can.  Have to run - we're leaving for our appointment in a few minutes!



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4:00 AM

Monday, March 3, 2008

It's 4AM and I can't sleep.  I slept for a little while, but got up for one of my many bathroom trips of the night, and couldn't get back to sleep.
The baby is due in just over 10 weeks.  I feel huge and assume I am because I've been asked on more than one occasion if I'm having twins.  I met a woman recently that wasn't much bigger than me.  She asked when I was due and I told her I wasn't due until May and asked her - how about you?  She replied with '2 weeks'! She was due in 2 weeks and wasn't far off from my size.  I was so embarrassed (even after she assured me she was 'carrying small').  I've gained 25lbs so far (which isn't that bad considering I was on bed rest for a month after having surgery during the 1st trimester). I took a good look in the mirror today and I'm mainly belly.  Sure, I sometimes feel like I'm beginning to resemble Jabba The Hut, but the extra weight isn't really that hard to deal with.  That being said, I hope I don't get too much bigger or I worry I may not be able to stand upright!
I'm excited to finally be into the 3rd trimester.  I really can't wait to meet our little boy.  I'm a bit scared about the birth, but more excited than anything else.  Sometimes it still feels so surreal.  I can't believe I'm going to be a mother.  It's such an amazing feeling and I feel so blessed to be starting a family with a man I truly adore.  I wish I could put into words how wonderful it feels.  I only wish I was going to be around my family and friends when the time comes so I can share it with them as well, but life isn't always perfect and I have to be grateful for all I have.  Happiness takes compromise and I'm learning that you can't have everything. Like I said before - I feel blessed to have the life I have here with Wayne and I'm looking so forward to this new phase of our life to start.



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My block

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

The other day, I had someone say to me - 'What's with your blog? - It's weak.'  I know it's weak.  I know I avoid it like the plague and never actually sit down to do anything about it.  There are probably a few reasons for this...
A little over a month ago, I found out that two of my exes read this blog that I didn't know knew about it.  Knowing one of them in particular reads, makes it even harder to sit down and write about things that are going on in my life.  I run my own business from home so I don't have a lot of outside influences to inspire what I write about. In turn, this blog has always been very personal.  It's not like I can write about the little things like what happened on my way to work today or a conversation I have with a co-worker.  There is no office and there are no co-workers.  My life pretty much consists of Wayne, me, myself & I (not to mention the little guy I'm sharing my body with at the moment).  I'm not complaining mind you, but it doesn't leave much in the way of anecdotes to fill my blog entries with.  With this blog always being so very personal - knowing that my exes read it makes me feel a bit exposed.  Crazy right??  I mean this is a public blog on the world wide web!  Most of the people who read it are strangers - so why is it that knowing people who actually know me read it would make me feel so exposed??  I just can't explain it, but it's given me a block and I miss having the outlet of this blog.  In 3 months time, I'm going to have a baby.  I have a lot on my mind every day and countless things to write about, but it's just not easy sharing such personal topics with people who I used to share my like with, but don't any more. Am I making any sense at all?  Maybe I just need to get over it - I just wish I knew how to.



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I don't blog enough these days

Sunday, February 10, 2008

I don't blog nearly enough.  It's strange really because I'm the type that has always kept a journal or diary of some sort.  I need to write out what's on my mind to get it out and feel better for addressing it.  Since I've been pregnant, I can't seem to bring myself to do that and I'm really not sure why.  I have a pregnancy journal as well (actually, I have 2), but I have yet to really write anything in them.  Again, I'm not sure why.  I have so much on my mind and I'm feeling so much with this baby coming (as well as a few other things I've had on my mind as well), but I still can't bring myself to write it out...
I've kept to myself a lot since we got back from the states.  I don't make many calls and I spend my days alone quietly keeping busy.  I've had other expats email me to make contact with other expats living here - I want to respond to them - I keep meaning to and yet I don't any more than I blog when I know I should.  Maybe it's a bit of a slump I need to get through (although it's not as if I'm walking around depressed either) - I don't know what it is I'm going through, but I will try to be more diligent in writing and touching base with the people I know I should.



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If I knew then what I know now

Friday, February 1, 2008
How many times have we said to ourselves - If I knew then what I know now... I've thinking that a lot lately. The thing is that I've recently found out an ugly truth about my past that's been hard to come to terms with. It turns out that someone that meant a great deal to me was someone I don't know if I really knew. They kept something from me and in all these years, never told me the truth. If I had known then what I know now, a great deal of my life would have been very different - unbelievably different.
So now I know this truth and on one hand, I'm brokenhearted and feel so hurt (even after all these years). Maybe it's partly because they had no apology. They truly felt that because it happened so long ago, it required no explanation and actually treated me very badly when they realized how upset I was. On the other hand, I can't help but wonder if it's not knowing of that betrayal that's let me to where I am where I am now. If I had known who they really were, would I be here now with the love of my life having his baby? Did their lie bring me to this time and this place? If I could go back would I change it? As much as I hate what I've learned, I think I need to be grateful for never learning it and admit to myself that I wouldn't change it because maybe if I knew then what I know now - I wouldn't be where I am today. it was what I believed to be true that kept me on this path.
As much as it's hurt to learn the truth, in the end it's actually made me appreciate my husband even more than I did before. He's the only one who has been true to me. He's the only one who hasn't lied. They say that everything happens for a reason. Maybe I needed to find this out to know how lucky I am to have such a wonderful man to love me.

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Turning 36

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Tomorrow is my birthday.  I'm turning 36.  It feels uneventful this year - like I could almost forget if I wasn't near a calender.  Maybe it's because this year things are more like they should be and turning another year older just isn't p phasing me all that much.  I know last year turning 35  really bothered me, but I was turning 35 and still had no children - maybe I felt time was running out and it scared me.  This year I'll be having a baby and I have a wonderful husband & marriage.  This year it hardly even bothers me that I'll be spending most of the day by myself before Wayne gets home from work (I guess we'll have to see how I feel tomorrow).  Maybe birthdays don't phase you as much when you have almost everything you want.  A few friends in the same country would be nice, but I can't really complain can I?
The baby furniture  came for the nursery today.  I'm really excited to see it and hoping Wayne will be just as keen and want to put it together tonight so that tomorrow I can spend the day organizing the room.  We have boxes of stuff from the baby shower just sitting in the nursery and as it is right now, I peek in there every once in a while just to see the things because it makes it all feel less surreal.  I really can't wait to start decorating the room. 



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I've had a lot going on...

Thursday, January 24, 2008

I haven't written in a week or so.  I've had a lot going on - some rather emotional stuff that's had me distracted and I've been keeping to myself.  To add to what was already on my mind, I got a call this morning from my mother letting me know that my step-Dad's brother past away last night.  My step-dad is a parent to me in every sense of the word and it is difficult being so far away while he is in so much pain.  He broke down on the phone with me as soon as he heard my voice.  In my life, I've only heard him cry once or twice before and it was terrible.  His brother was young - only in his late 40s or early 50s.  He was sick for a long time with leukaemia, but after a bone marrow transplant he was doing well and we thought he'd pull through.  He took a turn for the worst in the last week and died last night.  I was really shocked to hear it.  I guess I don't like to think the worst and just thought he'd be okay.  It's hard not being able to be there for the funeral.
That being said - Physically, (pregnancy related) I'm feeling okay.  My back has been bad but I'm dealing.  My feet have been swollen since the flight and from the ankle down - I look like a 300lb woman!  Like I said, I'm dealing and it's totally worth it!
I have been getting some comments and correspondence from readers and I just want to let you all know that I'm not ignoring you.  I have every intention of getting back to you all.  I guess I'm just waiting to have a clear head.  Thank you all for the well wishes and for touching base.  I promise I'll be in touch soon!



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Glad to be back

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

We got back on Friday afternoon.  Saturday, I slept until 2pm.  I don't think I thought through how pregnancy and arthritis was going to factor in to such a long trip.  We were on the go for almost 3 1/2 weeks straight.  There wasn't a lot of time for rest and I'm still paying for it now with a good deal of pain and little or no energy for most of the day. 
It was good to go back and see everyone, but to be honest by New Years Day, I was ready to come back.  Things happened with family that I won't go into that put a bit of a damper on my time, but I think maybe it's better that way - there are a lot less tears when you leave feeling a bit fed up.
I'm nearly 6 months pregnant now.  It's going so fast now that the 2nd trimester started.  The first trimester was the longest 3 months of my life, but now it's flying by.  The baby is active every day and I can't say enough about how amazing it is to feel this little life inside me every day.  I am really enjoying this part of pregnancy.  Although the pain in my back is worse than it's ever been (probably due to my very large belly), it's truly worth it.  I may be uncomfortable physically a lot of the time, but emotionally - I am over the moon!  I can't wait to meet him.  It's still so surreal.



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