If I knew then what I know now

Friday, February 1, 2008
How many times have we said to ourselves - If I knew then what I know now... I've thinking that a lot lately. The thing is that I've recently found out an ugly truth about my past that's been hard to come to terms with. It turns out that someone that meant a great deal to me was someone I don't know if I really knew. They kept something from me and in all these years, never told me the truth. If I had known then what I know now, a great deal of my life would have been very different - unbelievably different.
So now I know this truth and on one hand, I'm brokenhearted and feel so hurt (even after all these years). Maybe it's partly because they had no apology. They truly felt that because it happened so long ago, it required no explanation and actually treated me very badly when they realized how upset I was. On the other hand, I can't help but wonder if it's not knowing of that betrayal that's let me to where I am where I am now. If I had known who they really were, would I be here now with the love of my life having his baby? Did their lie bring me to this time and this place? If I could go back would I change it? As much as I hate what I've learned, I think I need to be grateful for never learning it and admit to myself that I wouldn't change it because maybe if I knew then what I know now - I wouldn't be where I am today. it was what I believed to be true that kept me on this path.
As much as it's hurt to learn the truth, in the end it's actually made me appreciate my husband even more than I did before. He's the only one who has been true to me. He's the only one who hasn't lied. They say that everything happens for a reason. Maybe I needed to find this out to know how lucky I am to have such a wonderful man to love me.

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