4AM

Monday, August 15, 2005

I can't sleep.  It's almost 4 in the morning and I laid in bed for over 4 hours, staring at the ceiling and listening to Wayne breath before I decided to get up and see if anyone is online - nobody is.   
I don't know why I can't sleep lately.  Maybe it's because I'm going home soon and it's wearing on me.  I don't know what kind of family problems will arise this time and now, since recent events have unfolded, I'm not sure which of my friends have disappointed me and I feel like there's not much left to go home to. I miss America more than I could say and I wish I could be happy about going back (I think tomorrow, I will start a list of what I miss most).  It's sad that I can't just let things roll off my back instead of weighing on my shoulders.  I wish I didn't always care so damned much.  I wish I was less sensitive.  I wish I was different. 
I also have to go for my appointment to apply for my marriage visa when I get back.  If approved, I will have the right to live and work in the UK and finally have the life of a normal resident of this country.  I'm terrified.  I'm terrified of not being approved (With the exchange rate, I'm down to less than 8K in savings and what if the British government doesn't think that's sufficient to support myself until I'm working??) and if I am approved, I'm terrified at the concept of trying to live normally here doing things like working - what will I be when I grow up?  And I'll have to learn to drive here too - not only the roads (wrong side of the car - wrong side of the road. tiny car, tiny roads! Roundabouts -AHHH), but a manual transmutation as well!  All without Wayne and I killing each other when he tries to teach me!
   
Everything is so uncertain and living in a strange place where the people have been less than welcoming and going so long without working, has reeked havoc on my confidence and I'm suddenly afraid of things that didn't faze me before.  I'm now very unsure of myself and so afraid of letting Wayne down.  Maybe once this trip is over and I have my visa (fingers crossed), I'll feel different.  Maybe right now it's just the fear of the unknown.
It's 4:20, I guess I should go back to bed.



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