I can't sleep. It's almost 4 in the morning and I laid in bed for over 4 hours, staring at the ceiling and listening to Wayne breath before I decided to get up and see if anyone is online - nobody is.
I don't know why I can't sleep lately. Maybe it's because I'm going home soon and it's wearing on me. I don't know what kind of family problems will arise this time and now, since recent events have unfolded, I'm not sure which of my friends have disappointed me and I feel like there's not much left to go home to. I miss America more than I could say and I wish I could be happy about going back (I think tomorrow, I will start a list of what I miss most). It's sad that I can't just let things roll off my back instead of weighing on my shoulders. I wish I didn't always care so damned much. I wish I was less sensitive. I wish I was different.
I also have to go for my appointment to apply for my marriage visa when I get back. If approved, I will have the right to live and work in the UK and finally have the life of a normal resident of this country. I'm terrified. I'm terrified of not being approved (With the exchange rate, I'm down to less than 8K in savings and what if the British government doesn't think that's sufficient to support myself until I'm working??) and if I am approved, I'm terrified at the concept of trying to live normally here doing things like working - what will I be when I grow up? And I'll have to learn to drive here too - not only the roads (wrong side of the car - wrong side of the road. tiny car, tiny roads! Roundabouts -AHHH), but a manual transmutation as well! All without Wayne and I killing each other when he tries to teach me!
Everything is so uncertain and living in a strange place where the people have been less than welcoming and going so long without working, has reeked havoc on my confidence and I'm suddenly afraid of things that didn't faze me before. I'm now very unsure of myself and so afraid of letting Wayne down. Maybe once this trip is over and I have my visa (fingers crossed), I'll feel different. Maybe right now it's just the fear of the unknown.
It's 4:20, I guess I should go back to bed.
Recently, a magazine here in the UK issued their list of their Top 100 women in show business. This sparked conversation between Wayne and I and one rainy weekend when we had nothing to do, we compiled our own Top 20 lists. The rules were we had to judge on looks alone (not their physique) and only one token model was allowed. For fun, I thought I'd add our lists here for you to view and enjoy. Maybe it will even spark conversation between you and a friend or loved one. Wayne and I actually had a really good time creating our lists together - judging each other's taste in the opposite sex and laughing over how long it took for us to prioritize our selections. We still change the order every time we look at it! (although our top five have remained the same) Enjoy and feel free to comment!
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