-Revelation - I'm a horrible person!

Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Grab your coffee (or other caffeinated beverage) because I think this might be a long one (Note: some names have been omitted to protect the innocent or the guilty - depending how you look at it!)...
Hmmm Where do I start? I guess I'll tell it as it happened. Last night, my husband and I were doing some research on CWI training programs (Certificate in Web-Based Instruction) because I need more structured and streamlined training materials for web design. I'm just not cutting it learning bits and pieces from this source or that one. These programs are still self study programs, but they provide all the materials you need as well as prep for the certification tests. When finished, you're supposed to have everything you need to become certified as a web professional.
The courses are very expensive and there is a lot out there. The thing is that there are quite a few programs and after reading and researching for far too long, I became very overwhelmed and confused with it all not knowing what program would be right for me. In my frustration, I said to Wayne, 'It's times like this when I really wish I could go to M--- (I don't like using names unless I know people wouldn't mind) because I need his guidance right now' (for those of you who don't know who that is - In short - he's the man that was the love of my life before my husband and just happens to be a webmaster. I have always trusted him and respected his opinion). I continued (being intentionally over-dramatic), 'I don't know why he hates me' Wayne laughed and yelled in from the kitchen - 'Maybe it's because he gave up his whole life, moved 1/2 way across the country to be with you, only to be told when he arrived - sorry, I change my mind. I think I'll marry this guy instead' I cringed and said (not very convincingly to myself or Wayne) 'but he forgave me for that years ago' and that's when I had my revelation and yelled out 'Oh my God, I'm a horrible person! I can't believe I did that to him!' Again, Wayne laughed (as he does when I have such revelations). I continued with a few more minutes of beating myself up and ended with - 'Am I supposed to apologize again? Say something like - It's been another five years since I've apologized, and after carefully considering it, I've come to realize that I Suck??'...
It's not a straight forward as all of that. When I did what I did, I really thought I was justified because after all, he hurt me just as bad in the past (I know now, it's no excuse). The real truth is, that I was scared and went with what was safe. I realized the error of my ways a couple of years later, and tried to track him down to confess my undying love. When I discovered where he was, I found out he was married and it was too late. In the end, I did marry someone else and left him a year later knowing it was never right between us.
My story with M--- goes on and on. I'd be sitting here all day if I tried to explain our history and our demise (that through it all was both ugly and beautiful, but always laced with love.) Our history spans most of my adult life in one form or another, although I haven't seen him face to face in probably 10+ years (but know in my heart that if I had, I wouldn't have done what I did).
Regret is a horrible thing. To say I regret not choosing him, would infer I regret a decision led me to Wayne, so I can't say that. But, what I do regret is being such a coward and hurting him the way I did. No-one deserves that. So I guess this entry is more of an open letter of apology for being horrible and such a coward.
I've been told by many that I should forget the past and live for today. I don't live life that way. My past a part of me and good, bad or indifferent - it's who I am. I don't know why people would rather forget people or love from their past just because they found love with someone else. Shouldn't we consider ourselves lucky to have had love more than once in our lives? Some people don't ever find it. I have not only found love, but I have had great love more than once and I celebrate it. I would never want to forget a minute of it - even the painful parts. I do live for today, but I wouldn't dare forget what's made me who I am.

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