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To be a size four again...

I have been on a diet for what seems like forever now (hence the eggo cravings below) and I'm finally starting to see some results! About two years ago, I had a bad flare up of my arthritis and had to go on disability. As a treatment, the doctor put me on some pretty strong steroids and I blew up in record time. I gained about 25 pounds and for the first time in my life, I was really over weight.
It happened really fast as it does with steroids. My bra size went up from a B to a D in a matter of months and all of a sudden, I started hitting into things with them (not being used to the size of them and how much farther they were from the rest of my body than they were before). While shopping, a few people even got a feel they didn't expect (nor did I) because I brushed up against them while trying to get by! It was definitely the breasts that was hardest to get used to. Which wouldn't have been a bad thing if the rest of me didn't also get bigger. Now, I just wish I could keep them as I lose weight because I'm already down to a small C.
Since my blow up, I have lost a good ten pounds, but because of other medications, I haven't lost a pound in more than a year and had to get get married 15 pounds heavier than I ever wanted to be (without at least giving birth first!). Despite almost constant dieting for the last year and a 1/2 I haven't lost any weight until now.
Right before the Holidays, as a act of desperation, I started a 1000 calorie a day diet and last week, I started working out regularly (which is really hard to do with my arthritis, but I'm driving on and taking it slow). This week, I had to replace a pair of jeans I bought right before Christmas with a size smaller! It was wonderful. Finally, some results!
It's such a struggle because I still want to lose another 15 lbs (to give some room for the weight gain when I start eating normally again). being over weight has been awful for me. I don't feel like myself anymore. I don't have the confidence I once had, and I certainly don't feel pretty any more. At the risk of sounding conceited (I swear I never have been), but for the first time in my life I feel really quite average. Here's the thing - all my life people never paid much attention to anything about me except how I looked. They never paid much attention to my accomplishments - like a 4.0 for every semester when I went back to school or a high paying job and career. When I was married to Troy, I was a computer tech, but when people had a problem with their systems, they called him for help (an architect who liked to play with computers) because they just didn't take me seriously. But people sure noticed when I looked good. I've even had employers admit that I got the job because of how I looked (although it was my skill that kept me employed).
Because of examples like this, I've always felt like my looks were all I really had going for me (that being said, I don't think I walked around like some cocky girl that thought they were all that). Now, things are different (I guess that's why I didn't take to kindly to the 'fan club' that was started on my last blog) I'm not that girl anymore. Maybe that's why it means so much to me to learn web design and do well with it. I guess I want to prove to myself that I I'm more than a girl that used to be pretty.
This doesn't mean I don't want to be that girl again - I wish I could be, but I have to be realistic. I'm no girl. I'm turning 34 at the end of the month and I know it's a pipe dream to think I could ever maintain a size 4 (US) again, but I'm determined to be a size six again and to stay that way. Unfortunately Wayne and I plan on trying for a baby when I turn 35. I'll lose the weight and get really fit - just in time to get pregnant and fat again! God, I wish I was younger...
Since the weight gain, I went from this which was about two years ago (sorry about the quality - click the images to view a larger photo) To this
to this

Albeit, I am a jeans size smaller now than in the last picture, I still want to be is something a lot closer to what I was when I was thin.


By the way - this is not some sort of way to seek praise so, all you fan flub boys - please don't start again. It makes me pretty uncomfortable. Thanks guys =)

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Comments

Katie said…
Hang in there with the weight loss. I can totally relate with what you're going through. It's unfortunate that people concentrate so much on looks and that you feel less valuable now that you've gained some weight. It's the way of the world. Sad but true. You're beautiful none the less.
Great site!
10:56 PM
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