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Feeling lonely today...

longdistan.gif I'm feeling miserable today. I just got back from the gym. It's a beautiful day and I'd love to go out and do something, but the trouble is that I don't have anyone to do anything with. I've been waiting for some sign of spring because I thought it was the long gray winter that was getting me down, but it turns out - it wasn't. I thought joining the gym was going to make me feel better as well, but I was wrong about that too because even though I'm surrounded by people - I'm still alone.
In the locker room, I over heard some girls talking about going out for lunch and I had to hold back the tears because I would just love to have someone to go to lunch with (more than anything what I'd really like is to be able to sit down with my best friend and just chat - I miss her more than anything right now). On my way home, there were girls everywhere walking along coupled or in groups and it just made me feel so alone. What's worse is that I can't even call my friends back home because there, it's not even 8am. I'd call my fellow expat girlfriend but I got an email from her today that's she's crazy busy packing for her move back to the states. I'm unsure it would help anyway because I know that by the end of the month, she too will be out of the time zone. I've been here over a year and a half and I really thought by now, I'd have some friends, but I don't and I'm feeling quite lonely.
Over the weekend, we went to visit Wayne's family. We went out to dinner with Wayne's cousin/best friend, Gareth and at dinner I had a terrible argument with him. It started over him making too many 'American' comments, but I honestly don't know what it was really about. Maybe I'm just sick of feeling like an outsider and got angry at him because I didn't want an evening talking about politics and religion (two subjects I make a concerted effort to avoid at all costs unless it's with Wayne) I just wanted a relaxing evening, but it was far from relaxing. I ended up leaving the table in tears. Wayne went after me and talked me down enough to go back to the table. He asked Gareth to apologize; which made it even worse and before I knew it, I was openly crying at the table and biting my tongue because I just wanted the whole thing to be over. In the end, nobody ate the expensive meals we ordered, we both half apologised and spent the rest of the evening pretending it didn't happen (while much to my dismay, debating about religion and politics). I've been trying to recover ever since. I've always liked Gareth and I'm sorry it happened.
I hate writing woe-is-me blog entries. Who wants to read about how miserable I am? But today, this blog is all I have...


Sara Tabor said…
Let me introduce myself - I'm Sara, a future expat. I'll be moving to London soon. If you need someone to talk to, I wouldn't mind - I'm horribly afraid and nervous of leaving Minnesota for big, loud London. Hope all is well; hope you don't mind if I dig through the archives!
Monique said…
I found your blog through a google search for expat blogs. I JUST started mine, just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in feeling that way! I have been here 4 years 8 months and I still feel quite lonely sometimes - I went to the gym last night and you pretty much described exactly how I felt! Although I was surrounded by people I still felt alone. Anyhow - chin up - things will get better - and summer is coming:)
Tanith said…
I'm a bit late in responding to this (and I don't even know you), but if you are so lonely, why don't you get a job? Or even just volunteer. You're bound to meet people that way. Since you are over in the UK on a spouse visa, it is perfectly legal for you to do either of those things.
As for the anti-American can either laugh those off and shoot the insults right back at people like that, or you can let them get to you. I find the former to be more constructive. Or, better yet, just ignore them. They are likely talking about their distaste with American politics, foreign policy, and consumer-driven culture. I dislike those things about the US as well! It isn't a reflection of how they feel about you or the actual *people* in the US. And if you let them get to you and run away crying, you've only confirmed the stereotype they have in their heads. Sorry if that sounds harsh...but really I've found it better to either joke back, tell them what life is really like in the US, or simply calmly leave.
Also, a thought on one of your previous posts about bread products in the UK: have you tried crumpets in place of English muffins? I think they are fairly close to being the same thing. And bread products taste different in the UK because they don't use as many preservatives. It's better for you. :)
Stephie said…
I found your blog googling "living in England". Your entry brought tears to my eyes. I'm moving there from sunny California in a few months to be with my British boyfriend and just the thought of leaving all my friends makes me cry. It's hard to imagine not having my friends to call whenever I feel like it or to hang out with just because. I've never been to England and the 2 big things I know about England are: it rains more than the sun shines (did I mention I'm from California?) and fresh fruit & veggies are scarce. I am mostly vegeterian, yeeeks! I think I'll go bawl my eyes out now.

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