Couldn't sleep

Friday, April 13, 2007

I went to bed over an hour ago, but I couldn't sleep so here I am.  It's not really that late, but here in the silent darkness, it feels much later.  I used to have a sleeping disorder.  I didn't sleep for more than a few hours a night for over 10 years and then I met Wayne and he must haven given me the peace I needed because I rarely have problems sleeping any more.
Sitting here with only the glow of the computer screen as light, reminds me of the days I didn't sleep.  Alone with my thoughts in the wee hours of the night, I'd write like this - only then they were letters I'd never send - letters to someone who I felt comfortable telling all my secrets to.  Letters that get written in the middle of the night probably shouldn't get sent.  It's the things that come to you at that hour that are so truthful, they probably should be left until daybreak so you can re-evaluate saying them at all. 
I must confess every once in a while, I'd click send instead of delete and the words I probably would never say in the light of day  would be sent off to be deleted by someone else's click of a mouse.  The things that come to you when you feel like the only person awake in the world - there's a sense of rawness to it as well a clarity. 
I don't write those letters any more.  I guess this blog is my replacement, but I have to admit it's less soulful in the light of day.  Maybe more should be said by the glow of a computer screen sitting alone in the dark.



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