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Big things on my mind...

Keeping this blog is tricky at times.  More times than not, I write when I need to feel more connected to the rest of the world.  It's 9:30 in the morning.  Wayne has left for work and until I go to the gym later today, I won't speak to another soul until it's at least late enough to call someone back home.  I have big things on my mind; things that seem inappropriate to share with the rest of the world rather than someone I'm close to.  This is what makes this blog so tricky.  When is it just plain inappropriate to blog about what's on my mind?  Maybe it's not so much this blog that makes it difficult -  maybe it's living here and not having a circle of friends to go to when I need to share the very personal aspects of my life.  Sometimes I feel very cut off.  Sometimes I can just scream out of the frustration of it all.  It's been nearly three years and I want more than anything to just get used to it being this way.  I want more than anything to just accept it as it is and be fine with it.  It appears it's not going to happen. 
All I want to do right now is call my friends and meet them for lunch so I can discuss the big things that are on my mind.  Instead, I'll throw myself into the work I have to do to distract myself, wait for it to be late enough to be able to call the states, and hope I get through to someone who has some time to talk...


Nate said…
Hi, I wanted to let you know that I have been in a situation quite like yours for a few months now and I am two steps away from the nut house. I can only imagine how you have kept it up for as long as you have.
My partner took a teaching job over here in the UK. We live in King's Lynn which lends a rather different way of life than London does. I grew up outside Boston and we lived in NH for several years together before moving over here. This job came up and I told him to go for it. This was going to be a great experience for both of us, so I thought. He took off in August and I remained in the states until the end of January, selling off all our belongings, our car and what we had accumulated over the years. I fought with the British Consulate for months trying to obtain my visa which I did finally get a week before the second flight I had booked. The first took off w/out me (visa issues).
I gave up so much to come here with hopes of getting settled and finding a job and growing to love our new life abroad. I wish someone had told me how nearly impossible it would have been to find a job in the winter or for someone who hadn't yet finished college. That was a mistake on my part not finishing school first. I have spent almost four months here trying countless times to gain employment with no luck. I registered with job centers and did what I thought I'd have to do to find work. No such luck, as of yet. My social contact has been limited to the brief conversations I have with the workers in the markets in town or my neighbor (former smoking buddy...quit smoking and no we have little to no contact...go figure). It has sucked! I am a very social person and even my friends back home haven't kept in touch making it all that much harder.
Part of me wants to stay here because I love the fact that we live in another country and there is a lot about this culture I have grown to appreciate more than where we came from. Unfortunately this wasn't enough to sway our decision. We decided last week that we are returning back to Boston. I'm leaving once I can find decent airfare and he will follow at the end of the school year in July. I feel horrible he had to give up this chance for me. I feel I could have tried harder but inside I know I gave it my best. I miss having motivation and social contact and just feeling like I'm living rather than just getting by.
We hope returning home will solve these issues. I know once I return to work things will be better. I am from a very close family and miss them all terribly. We will see.
I just wanted to write to tell you that I can appreciate where you are coming from. It has been great to read your blog and see someone whom I can relate to.
Keep your chin up and I wish you and your husband all the best. Things will work out, well, that is what I keep telling myself. I know it will.
All My Best,

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