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Just being honest...

I've gotten a few emails since yesterday's post from people trying to make me feel better about the email I got from the girl telling me I seem to have a weight problem.  First, let me just say that I wasn't fishing for compliments.  I am aware that I'm not 'obese', but I do have a scale and a mirror.  I was just really being honest about how it feels to be heavier than I've ever been.
After posting the picture of Wayne and I on the London eye, the one thing people said after seeing it was:  Did you lose weight?  You look so much thinner than you did last time you came home.  Sadly, I haven't really lost too much weight at all since my last visit, but apparently people noticed I needed to.  This is a difficult realization for me (but not at all something I didn't already know). 
During our last visit, I put on an outfit I had just bought.  It was a long cowl-neck sweater that I wore with leggings and a pair of ballet type flats.  It was an outfit very similar to something I probably wore in Jr. High School so I felt a bit self conscious about wearing it.  Wayne and I went to breakfast and ran a few errands before returning to the hotel to pick up some Christmas gifts we needed to bring with us to my mother's house that day.  Wayne kept looking at me funny all morning.  I kept asking - what?  Am I too old for this outfit?  Do I look silly?  He said no and I dismissed his looks until he did it again at the hotel.  I asked again.  He finally said,  'It's just that I think your legs jiggle in those leggings'.  Horrified, I screamed THEY JIGGLE?? and proceeded to walk back and forth in front of the mirror.  I then had a complete and utter hissy fit!  THEY JIGGLE AND YOU LET ME GO OUT LIKE THAT??  I wasn't mad that he said it, I was mad that he let me walk around like that!  I carried on for a little while about it, changed and retired the newly bought leggings to my never to be worn again category of clothing.
My best friend and I had a very frank conversation the other day about what it feels like to all of a sudden realize we're never going to be the girls we used to be.  I would love to be fine with that.  I'd love to say it doesn't matter.  I'd love to be happy with myself now, but I can't help but notice when I look in the mirror that I see someone I didn't expect to see.  The thing is that in my mind, I'm still that same girl.  It's just when I pick something out in a store for her and try it on as the woman I am, I'm always disappointed when I just can't seem to pull it off.
I know it's a part of getting older, but I want to get pregnant and I know with that my body will change drastically and I worry I'll become one of those woman that has a baby and is never recognisable again.  My mother tells me it happens to the best of of us and the fact that it matters will make all the difference when it comes to losing the weight after the baby.  It's the ones that stop caring that end up forever changed.  Considering she's had three kids, is over 60 and still looks great - I really hope she's right.

Comments

sue said…
I just read your blog entry and saw the photo of yo on the London Eye and I think that person must need glasses! I thought you looked terrific!
As far as pregnancy is concerned, your body will change but you'll be too exhausted to notice!

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