It's 6am. I don't sleep well these days. I don't think I've slept a good night in months. I know I don't write as often as I should, but I find it difficult lately to find the words for what I'm thinking and feeling. It's odd really - I've always been the sort to keep a record of my life. I've always kept journals or found some outlet to write down my thoughts - to get it out. I have bought 3 pregnancy journals so far, but have yet to have a pen touch one. I can't find the words.
It's not just pregnancy though - it's the day to day life of living here and having no-one but my husband. Since I got sick, Wayne has had to work a lot of extra hours to make up for all the time he missed when I needed him home and now he's getting ready to shut down his business for a month when we go back the states for Christmas. I am alone more than 12 hours a day and it's wearing on me. Some days I accept it as just the way it is, some days I think I'll go mad and others I feel like I'm just quietly disappearing.
This house is bigger than the last and somehow makes me feel more alone. And then there's invasion of the noise from the neighbors... I don't want to say anything to Wayne because what can he do? He's doing the best he can, but by the time he gets home from work around 8pm, he showers, we eat and do the the dishes we have just enough time to curl up on the couch together for some TV before I fall asleep around 11(with pregnancy I just can't seem to stay awake past 11 I only wish I could sleep through the night).
The weekends are precious and the last month or so they have been spent packing, moving, unpacking and doing work around the house. I can't contribute much so most of it's down to him and I still end up spending a good portion of the day by myself before he's back to work on Monday.
Every morning I get up, turn on my computer and check my email hoping for some contact before the hours I will have to wait for the time difference to not be an issue, but friends don't email - they'd rather save it for when we talk. The truth is I don't want a short and sweet email - I want the kind of correspondence where you exchange real thoughts and experiences... So throughout the week, I call my friends and family to try to stay sane and practice my social skills (I sometimes worry I have none left), but it's not the same as sitting across from someone and having conversation and human interaction. My cats just don't cut it (although they rarely leave my side and I don't know what I'd do without them and their company).
All this while experiencing pregnancy and facing the concept of becoming a mother. Is it no wonder I can't find the words? All I can say is I can't wait to get home for this visit. In 3 weeks I will have a normal life of not only the relationship with my husband, but friends, family and even the freedom of driving again (not to mention the comfort of being back in my own country and not feeling out of place all the time).
Recently, a magazine here in the UK issued their list of their Top 100 women in show business. This sparked conversation between Wayne and I and one rainy weekend when we had nothing to do, we compiled our own Top 20 lists. The rules were we had to judge on looks alone (not their physique) and only one token model was allowed. For fun, I thought I'd add our lists here for you to view and enjoy. Maybe it will even spark conversation between you and a friend or loved one. Wayne and I actually had a really good time creating our lists together - judging each other's taste in the opposite sex and laughing over how long it took for us to prioritize our selections. We still change the order every time we look at it! (although our top five have remained the same) Enjoy and feel free to comment!
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