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Really emotional today

I'm really emotional today.  I have an ultrasound on Monday followed by a consultation for a test I have to have done which will take place within days of the ultrasound.  The test is called CVS testing.  It's a test that detects chromosomal abnormalities such as Down's syndrome.  Because of my age and the fact that I had an aunt with down's syndrome - the test is something that my midwife highly recommends I have.  It's a lot like amniocentesis only done much earlier and is supposed to be much safer.  They go in with a needle and take cells from the placenta.  It's safer, but there is still a 1 in 100 chance of miscarriage following the test.
Wayne and I discussed this sort of thing before ever trying to get pregnant.  We always knew we'd have the test done and when it came up, we instatnly agreed to it. 

That was before I had the surgery and came really close to losing the baby (they didn't give very good odds before operating).  After all I've been through, the thought of doing something that will put the baby at risk again is just awful.  I spoke to the midwife and the OB when I was in the hospital and they both said that the surgery will not make my risk any greater when I have the test, but it doesn't make me feel any better.
We have to go into London to see a specialist for the test.  I'm still not recovered from the surgery/incision bursting (I still have an open wound in my gut) and the thought of a long train ride while I feel like this doesn't help matters, but it can't be put off.  The test has to be done between 12 & 13 weeks.
I guess because of all I've been though from the very start of this pregnancy, I feel really attached.  I heard the heart beat at 6 weeks (not at all the norm to hear it that early) and since that moment, I've felt such a great love for this little life growing inside me.  My belly is starting to bulge a bit which makes it that much more real for me.  I dread this test.
Because of the pain from the start of this pregnancy, combined with the miscarriage I had in June, I've been superstitious about things.  I haven't pulled out any of my pregnancy books or done anything a first time mother would be doing when newly pregnant (except for the things regarding health of course - prenatal vitamins, eating right, I gave up caffeine, alcohol and of course haven't touched a cigarette since I took the test).  I've tried so hard to keep myself in check for the first 3 months, that I haven't allowed myself to really be happy.  Now that the 3 months are finally nearly done, I want this all to be over so I can start being happy about this and start looking forward to the baby and start actually enjoying being pregnant.  I really can't wait for this test to be done and over so I can finally breathe and feel good about all of this.

Comments

Katt said…
I know you don't me know me from squat, but I am an avid blog reader of yours. Just wanted to say how brave you are for detailing such an emotional time on this medium. I have had my own personal medical crisis and the best thing that got me through was lots of prayers. I hope you will gain some comfort after the results from the testing and can start to enjoy your pregnancy w/out anymore pain. Best wishes for you and your baby.

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