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A Moment of Clarity

I had a moment of clarity today. I've been really down this week. I couldn't figure out why. I mean my social life has finally turned around after 6 long years. I've been really busy socially for the last few weeks. It hasn't stopped. I had Ethan's party, 2 weekly play dates (which are a regular thing), I went to a party with a bunch of woman that had music, drinks and conversation about our lives, started my book club and even had another couple over for dinner. So what the hell is there to be down about? I mean this is what I wanted all this time right?
This morning it came to me - finding a normal life here makes me feel like I'm moving on from my life back home in America (where my heart truly lies). This revelation made me want to burst out in tears. I'm struggling not to cry right now. I miss my friends. I miss my old - friends the ones that really know me. I miss my best friend - the one that knows me better than anyone else in the world.
What it comes down to is that finding a social life and friends here, has made me start mourn the loss of my friends back home (even though I know finding normalcy here is what's best for me). It's been a hard pill to swallow knowing all my friends and family back home moved on a long time ago. They all went on with their lives and got used to me not being there. I never did. I've been happy with the family I have with my husband and son, but I never got used to life without all the rest of the people I love and now that things are finally turning around, I feel sad and terrified of leaving it all behind.
I hate this time difference. All I want to do is call my best friend in NJ and tell her all about this so we can have a cry together. Instead, I'll have to suck it up, put on a happy face to pick up Ethan at nursery school and hope that tonight at my book club meeting, I don't burst into tears.

Comments

Jeannee said…
Hi, my new friend. My name is Jeannee. I call myself a "Jersey Girl in Exile" because of the three years I've know lived in Lexington, KY. Altho I don't have a child in the house (just a sweet doggy named CoCo, who loves rubs!) I miss home and I smoke too (I really liked what you wrote about why you're smoking! that's me, too!). So I just wanted to thank you for writing!

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