Skip to main content

A Moment of Clarity

I had a moment of clarity today. I've been really down this week. I couldn't figure out why. I mean my social life has finally turned around after 6 long years. I've been really busy socially for the last few weeks. It hasn't stopped. I had Ethan's party, 2 weekly play dates (which are a regular thing), I went to a party with a bunch of woman that had music, drinks and conversation about our lives, started my book club and even had another couple over for dinner. So what the hell is there to be down about? I mean this is what I wanted all this time right?
This morning it came to me - finding a normal life here makes me feel like I'm moving on from my life back home in America (where my heart truly lies). This revelation made me want to burst out in tears. I'm struggling not to cry right now. I miss my friends. I miss my old - friends the ones that really know me. I miss my best friend - the one that knows me better than anyone else in the world.
What it comes down to is that finding a social life and friends here, has made me start mourn the loss of my friends back home (even though I know finding normalcy here is what's best for me). It's been a hard pill to swallow knowing all my friends and family back home moved on a long time ago. They all went on with their lives and got used to me not being there. I never did. I've been happy with the family I have with my husband and son, but I never got used to life without all the rest of the people I love and now that things are finally turning around, I feel sad and terrified of leaving it all behind.
I hate this time difference. All I want to do is call my best friend in NJ and tell her all about this so we can have a cry together. Instead, I'll have to suck it up, put on a happy face to pick up Ethan at nursery school and hope that tonight at my book club meeting, I don't burst into tears.

Comments

Jeannee said…
Hi, my new friend. My name is Jeannee. I call myself a "Jersey Girl in Exile" because of the three years I've know lived in Lexington, KY. Altho I don't have a child in the house (just a sweet doggy named CoCo, who loves rubs!) I miss home and I smoke too (I really liked what you wrote about why you're smoking! that's me, too!). So I just wanted to thank you for writing!
11:29 AM
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Kicked the habit with an e-cigarette

    I quit smoking when I moved to the UK, mainly because I promised my husband I would.  I did it for him, but not because I wanted to.  I enjoyed smoking.  I missed it, but quit successfully for many years until I went through a stressful time and started again.  My relapse lasted over a year.  The whole time, I was ashamed of myself.  I hated the smell.  I hated how I felt, I hated the health risks and I hated my lack of willpower.      I've known a few people who have tried e-cigarettes.  I was a skeptic.  I thought it was going from one habit to another.  The people I knew that tried it, always had it and were constantly sucking on it.  It seemed to me they were more addicted to it then they were cigarettes.  I don't know any smokers that constantly had a cigarette in their hand.      Then in January, I saw a piece about it on the BBC News.  I watched with interest thinking they were going to say that they have found it to be harmful.  What they said was quite the o
29 comments
Read more

Fight Club for Five Year Olds - Part 2

The other mother and I went into the school to meet with the teacher and the assistant head.  We both let them know how upset we were that we were not informed that our children were sent to the office and how much we were against the children being allowed to play fighting games on the playground.  I told them I wouldn't allow it at home and I'm really unhappy that it's being allowed at school.  They admitted it was a problem and explained that they are planning to introduce a a scheme to teach the children to play in a safe way.  They will be calling it 'Super Hero Training'.  They plan to give out capes & masks out to children who behave well as rewards at playtime.  They will have assemblies where they will teach the children to play fighting games without making contact.  I find this to be absurd.  The problem has gone on to long and I doubt they will be able to teach little children to change their games when they have sixty other children to look after on
9 comments
Read more

Attitude adjustment...

It's been a while since I blogged regularly. I guess I've been going by the rule - if you don't have anything nice to say - don't say anything at all. I hate 'woe is me' type entries and for the last month or so, I've been really down and haven't had anything good to say. I think it started with the news that Aniela (my fellow expat girlfriend) was moving back to the US and was exacerbated by the incident with Wayne's cousin and the flare up of my condition (along with a general feeling of homesickness & loneliness). I was really depressed for quite a few weeks there and haven't been doing much more than going to the gym and other random things to keep me busy during the day. I haven't even worked on my web classes (in any serious way) in weeks (probably because I can't concentrate when I'm in pain - never mind get very motivated). I'm not so down anymore. Maybe it's the sunshine. Maybe it's the fact that I'
12 comments
Read more