Miserable

Friday, August 19, 2011
I have an illness called Anklylosing Spondylitis. I've suffered with it for many years, but only got diagnosed about 3 years ago. It's managable with medication (thus far), but my husband and I have decided to try for another baby and my doctor took me off the medication (as you have to stop taking it at least a month before trying to conceive). Being off my meds is awful. I feel miserable. The pain is worse than I remember it being before the diagnosis and I feel like I'm falling apart. Every joint in my body hurts, my back is killing me and the fatigue is horrible. I hate complaining. I hate feeling useless and I HATE feeling sorry for myself. Right now I feel useless and very sorry for myself which just pisses me off to no end. Wayne told me to just relax while Ethan is at nursery school for the morning. I don't want to relax. I want to clean the house and get things done. I want to do the shopping that I need to do and be fine to push it home in the stroller along with my 40lb son the half hour walk it is to get home and still be able to function when I get back, but as a mother, I need to know my limits. The house will not be cleaned today and the shopping will wait until my husband can get to the store. I'll take a cab to pick up Ethan and feel useless doing it. I am miserable.
Living with a chronic illness is a challenge on the best of days, but living with it without being medicated is terrible.
When I told my husband that I couldn't go to the store or walk Ethan home today (which took a lot to admit), he said 'How are you going to do it with two kids?' He said it in a plain way that made me angry. Not because he was being insensitive, but because he said what I have been quietly thinking myself. I sat down and cried. I am worried too. What if it's too much? What if I'll be taking on too much with a second child? It's infuriating to have moments of weakness. I don't want to let this get to me. I want to be strong and feel like I can take what ever comes my way. Maybe I just need more time to adjust to this. Maybe it's just the shock of the pain and I'll get used to it with a bit more time.
I don't want this to change my mind on trying for another baby. I want to feel like I can do this. Maybe I won't be able to breast feed. It will break my heart, but maybe I'll have to do it for a few months and switch to bottle feeding so I can go back on my meds. Ethan will be in school by the time a baby came. I'll have only one at home most of the day. We'll have to get a me a car so it's easier to handle. I'm sure we can make adjustments and I can do it. I'm almost sure anyway. I am miserable.

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1 comments:

  1. Missy said...:

    As moms we find the strength to do what we need to. You'll be fine. Chin up sweetie!