Today

Wednesday, August 24, 2011
This is always a tough day for me. Nearly 20 years ago, I lost one of my very best friends. His name was Jeff. At the time, we were best friends. We told each other all the time and every time we left each other or hung up the phone, we said I love you. It doesn't matter how many years pass - it never gets easier. Some years I dread this day the whole month of August. Some years years it takes a bit longer to get to me, but it always hits me hard. This year, it didn't get to me until yesterday. I was moody and down all day (probably dreading today). This morning while having my coffee, I cried. It came like a wave and I was surprised by my tears because it's been so long, but it all came back and I missed him with all my heart and mourned losing him as if he died yesterday.
During my last trip home, I had the closest thing to a religious experience than I've had in a very long time. I was having an awful day. I had a huge argument with my mother, hadn't seen my husband in weeks and wanted to cut my trip short. I had enough. That day, I met my high school sweetheart for coffee. When I left the house, I was a wreck. I started the car and a song came on the radio that reminded me of Jeff. A song I hadn't heard in years. His memory instantly calmed me and I played the song loud feeling better just listening to it.
After meeting my high high school sweetheart, I was emotional again. Our conversation was not lighthearted and I very effected. As I was leaving, my best friend called to see how it went. I started the car and on the radio another song by the very same group came on. This song reminded me of Jeff probably more than any other. The minute the song started, I burst out in tears and hung up the phone telling my best friend, 'I have to go because I think Jeff just came down from heaven to tell me he loves me'. I felt him with me. the thing is, I hadn't felt him with me in many years, but right then it was as if he knew I needed him. My husband couldn't be there and he knew I needed him. Even when he was alive, he did things like this. He'd call me and say, 'I felt like you needed me. What's wrong?'. At that moment, I felt as if he was right there letting me know he was still there for me. I turned the volume up and cried (smiling through my tears). The song was November Rain by Guns and Roses. He loved that song. I was with him when he bought the CD. He played it all the time before he died. It's a long song and I sat there in the car and cried all the way through feeling like he was right there with me. No-one could take that from me and I am still so grateful for the experience. I feel better since then. I feel like he'll always be right there with me if I ever really need him.

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