A letter to someone I used to know

Friday, June 22, 2012
I dreamed of you last night.  You called me.  I answered the phone and you said, 'Chief?'
Hearing your voice after all of these years, my heart caught in my throat and all I could say was 'What's wrong? '  knowing something would have to be.
You said you needed me.
I asked, 'Can you come? You know I can't'
'I know. Yes, I can come'
I told you, 'I can't pick you up.  It's too weird.  Too much like before.'
'I know'
'You'll have to meet him.  Maybe even both of them.'
'I know'
'It will be okay. He knows me.  He knows he can trust me.  He'll understand.'
'Ok.  Thank you.'
'You know you don't have to thank me. I love you.'
'I know.'
Even in my dreams you don't say much.  After that, the dream cut to you at my door.  In the dream, I was prepared for that moment, but I know that this would never be the case.  We went out on my deck  over looking the harbor.  Like when we sat in my back yard after Jeff died.  Do you remember that?  In the dream, we talked for what seemed like a long time, but I don't remember about what.  You wouldn't tell me what was wrong. Probably because even in my dreams I can't know about your life as it is now.  You promised it wasn't your health and I was relieved to hear it and didn't pry. I don't remember what happened after that.  The next thing I remember, I woke up.
When I woke up I knew this dream was far from reality.  I know you would never call me or need me or see me, but I'll tell you it was a lovely dream.  I mean I'd never want anything to be so wrong, but in the dream I knew for sure that for you, it was the same as it was for me.  We still did what we did, it was still the wrong time - wrong place and we both lived a lifetime since, but we would always be us.  Nothing and nobody could change that even though we both have moved on - happy endings and all - We were still us in the purest form.  Do you know what I mean?  In my heart of hearts, we are still us because I always kept you with me.  In my mind, you were there to give me strength and cheer me on to help get me through long after you were a part of my life.  I guess it was easy because I was used to you not being there.  Let's face it, you were never there for long, but it didn't change what we were to each other. I know it's different for you. Because I kept you with me, I was gone from your life long before you left mine. For me, you stayed with me to look after me until someone else could.
Thank you for all you've done for me.  If not for you, I wouldn't have all I have now. Thank you for teaching me so much.  I hate that I'll never see you again.  I wish it could be different. I hope you're happy.
Love, Erren

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2 comments:

  1. Mindy said...:

    This is a beautiful letter. Did you send it?

  1. Mindy said...:

    By the way, I love the new pics. You never age! I hate you :)