All the things we should have said but we didn't

Friday, August 31, 2012
I'm writing a book.  A book based on my experiences.  Writing it takes me back to days gone by so this morning, I wrote another letter to someone I used to know.  I almost sent this one and then I thought better of it.  Maybe it's not fair to send it.  Maybe that time has come and gone.  Maybe if he wanted me to say such things, he'd have something to say to me, but those days are gone.  He can't or won't or just doesn’t have anything left to say.  Now there's nothing left between us except all the things we should have said but we didn't. I know we've both moved on and he knows I am in good hands now, but I so want to tell him that before I had my husband to take care of me, it was him who helped me get through the rough spots.  So, I wrote the following letter and like so many before this one - I didn't send it...

I just wrote a chapter on the day my grandmother died.  Writing it was rough.  I know you might be thinking, 'What does it have to do with me?'  What you don't know is that it has a lot to do with you.  I want to send you the chapter, but I won't do it to you because as hard as it was for me to write, I also I know it would be difficult for you to have to read.  Maybe one day you'll have a whole book to read - even if it never gets published (which I know is a long shot), I'll send it to you. 
I don't know if you know this or not (I don't think you do), but I was there when my grandmother died.  I was in the room.  I saw her take her last breath.  She didn't go quietly or peacefully or slowly.  It was as horrible of an experience as it could be.  I am scarred and damaged from it.  I am telling you this because you helped me through it.  That's what I wrote today.  The awful details of the experience and the beauty of how you helped me through it.  You were there whispering in my ear and giving me strength.  It was in 2001 when it happened and you were still there helping me through it (long after you were gone from my life).  I want to thank you for that, but how do I thank you for something you didn't know you were doing?  I guess I can just thank you for all you were there to give me.  I can thank you for giving me the tools that helped me at the times you weren't actually there.
There have been times when I have questioned what we had.  I've often asked myself if it could have been all I think it was when there is so much evidence to the contrary. We both screwed up so many times, but that's youth - that is life.  It's the things we do growing up that teach us how to be a better person.  So was it real?  It was for me and maybe that's enough.

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