Friday, September 21, 2012
It's Friday!  I have gotten through my first week with Ethan in school full time.  On his first full day (the day I had been dreading), I walked him to his class, took him by the hand to go with him to hung up his jacket and put his bags in his cubby hole.  I took a step toward the door and he pulled me back.  I looked down at him and realized he wanted to go in without me.  I was overcome with both pride and disappointment.  He wanted to do it without me.  I gave him a kiss goodbye and he walked in without looking back.
My husband and I watched from the window as he put his things away and joined the other children who were sitting on the floor with storybooks.  He found his favorite friend from pre-school (a little girl named Faith who he has told me he is going to marry), pat her on the shoulder and she made a space for him next to her.  He happily sat down and I thought to myself, 'Is this it?  Am I going to spend more time on the outside looking in than being an active participant?' We walked away hand in hand back to the car and I didn't make it off school grounds before the tears started to flow.  I put my sun glasses on to hide it from the other parents and my husband pulled me close and told me it would be fine.
It took me a while to say anything.  I just kept crying and couldn't find the words.  I kept thinking to myself that I have been demoted to part time Mom.  He would now spend more time (while awake) at school than he would at home.  Every day I will have to pass him on to someone else.  I have to pass him to people who don't love him or know him the way I do and could never take care of him like I do or watch him as closely.  I am passing him off to people who have 29 other kids to look after and I am brokenhearted.  I now know why so many mothers I know have a baby after their kids start school.  If only I were younger...
The rest of the day was spent with my husband.  I dressed up for him and he went to our favorite Thai restaurant for a Dim Sum lunch that was fantastic.  I even had a glass of wine with lunch which is something I've probably done maybe 3 times in my life, but it felt right and acceptable that day.  That was the first full day my husband and I have had together in years and we had a really good day.
When we picked up Ethan, he charged out of the class and nearly knocked me over running into my arms.  I can't say it didn't make me feel great!
That night, he asked me to sleep with him and he's asked every night since (of course I have  declined).  He's really holding on to me and asking for our nightly cuddle time to last longer and longer.  The other night, he said 'Mommy, we'll never grow apart will we?' I said, 'Of course not Baby, we have something special.' He hugged me tight and said, 'I love you so, so much!'  I think he's feeling it too, but he's being brave and doing it on his own.  I'm so proud of him.  I know this is right for him and although, I'm feeling better than I was, this is really hard for me and my least favorite part of parenthood so far.

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