I cried this morning. I sobbed out of nowhere in the middle of my kitchen when I went down to make coffee. I had a one sided argument with someone via email yesterday and this morning, I thought about something I said to them and completely broke down over a 20 year old loss.
I won't go too far into it, but when I was very young, my best friend died and at the time, I tried so hard to be strong through it, that I never really grieved. I told myself I was so blessed to have had my time with him that I didn't really allow the grieving process.
I went through another loss at the same time. A much different loss, but a terrible one all the same. Again, I tried to be strong and forgiving and just got on with it. Not long after, forgiveness gave way to anger and that was how I dealt with that loss. It's amazing how you could desperately love someone and yet still be so angry with them. Later - much later (far too late), forgiveness eased it's way back, but again, I'm not sure I ever really dealt with that loss either. I skipped a bunch of steps in between.
If those losses took place at different times, maybe it would have been different, but being faced with them both all it once was impossible to bare at such a young age.
Twenty years later, I've just started writing about it all and I think what I'm finding is that through this project, I'm going through my grieving process and maybe by the end, I'll make peace with the things I tried most of my adult life not to face.