The following is an excerpt from the book I'm writing. It's the first genuinely fictional part that I've written. I need feedback so please feel free to comment. Is the writing clear? Is the scene set well, does the dialogue work?
The only background I'll give is that the characters are teenagers. I should also say that it contains adult themes so if you are under age or offended by such things, you should stop here...
After it got dark, the boys lit a fire on the beach and we sat around it. Noelle and Scott sat close on a piece of driftwood, Tyler sat in the sand looking bored and started digging with a plastic cup. I sat on a blanket between Ashley’s legs, laying my back against his chest and my head on his shoulder. He wrapped his arms around me and put his face close to mine. With the fire burning and not a care in the world, I couldn’t remember feeling more at ease.
Sloan walked up and the atmosphere changed. Tyler tensed. He stood up, announced he was going to the 7-Eleven to buy a pack of smokes and walked off in a huff. Sloan sat with Scott and Noelle.
I asked her, ‘What happened with you guys? You used to be all about the sexual tension and now, you’re just about the tension.’
‘You don’t want to know’ Sloan replied in an exasperated way.
Scott chimed in, ‘Yes, we do! Tell us before he gets back’
Sloan was one of those girls who had no qualms with liking sex and never hid the fact that she was happily active.
Ashley protested saying, ‘No you didn’t! He’s wanted you forever! He would have told me!’
I shot him a look letting him know we’ll be talking later.
‘I’m sure he didn’t tell you. He probably wants to forget it ever happened.’
‘Why?? What happened?’ I asked with my interest piqued.
‘Tell us!’ We all said in unison.
‘Fine!’ she said and began her story.
‘Tyler is hot, I mean you’ve seen that body! He’s super hot. I wanted him for so long. So one night after a party, we were alone in my room and I made my move. I just straddled him on the bed and kissed him. He kissed me back with such intensity, we couldn’t get our clothes off fast enough! We just went at it and it was hot. There were hands and mouths everywhere!’
Ashley started lightly stroking my arm and I suddenly became aware that I was doing the same to his hand.
Sloan continued, ‘I’m telling you when we finally started to fuck, it was the best sex I ever had!’
Scott chimed in with a smile, ‘And that’s saying a lot!’
‘Fuck you, Scott’ she laughed and gave him a smack on the arm. ‘Really though, it was great sex. I was really into it and started calling out, “Yes! Yes!” as we went at it hard and fast’
I swallowed hard and felt Ashley’s arms around me tighten and I clutched his hand.
‘I was so close! And that’s when it happened’ she began to sing at the top of her lungs (shocking us out of the sexual tension), ‘Oh say does that star-spangled banner yet wave - the land of the free and the home of the brave!’
We all looked at her confused and shocked.
Sloan explained, ‘You know how some guys need to think about something other than what their doing to keep from getting off?’
‘Like baseball’ I said as Ashley shot me a look.
‘Yes, like baseball’ Sloan said. ‘Well Tyler apparently thinks about the fucking star spangled banner! I don’t think he meant to sing it out loud! I think it just happened! Hell, I’m just as patriotic as the next girl, but let’s just say it was a mood killer! He hasn’t been able to look at me since!’
Ashley fell back in the sand laughing hysterically and the rest of us joined in laughing until we had tears streaming down our faces.
A few minutes later, Tyler walked up and asked what was so funny and we all just laughed harder.