Uncertain

Friday, October 5, 2012
I've been going over the outline of my book that I'm trying to write (but may be re-thinking) with various people.  I've told stories and rehashed events that I haven't thought about in years.  It's exhausting.
I woke up this morning before anyone else was up.  I'm usually in too much pain to lay there, but this morning I was tired and laid there listening to the rain.  I swear I had a flashback that was right out of the movies.  I was so deep in thought that I actually jumped when my son called my name.  It was like being woken from a dream. 
It's all weighing on me and a part of me wants to forget the whole thing.  Maybe I should write something totally fictional.  The thing is that I've always wanted to do this.  It's just that re-hashing things may change my feelings on people or events I made peace with a long time ago.  It's leaving me feeling unsettled.  I'm hoping if I just drive on and get through this part, it will get easier.  I don't want to keep drifting off, thinking about days gone by.  I don't want to end up with questions that can't or won't be answered and I don't want to be looking at things with new eyes and end up coming to conclusions I never saw coming.  I'm older now - wiser and more cynical so of course I'm going to look at things differently.  I am already feeling unsure of some things and foolish about others.  There is a part of me that wants to go to the others involved and ask questions or look for reassurance, but I just because I'm going through this doesn't mean they have to and then there are the ones that will just close the door on me (so to speak) even if they don't really want to, they will because they just don't have the courage to face me or the things we've been through.  So it would be pointless and futile. I'm left to do this on my own and I just don't know if it's something I should follow through with.

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