Skip to main content

Heading for a brick wall

I am fighting a flare up of my arthritis.  It's like heading for a brick wall with no breaks.  It's coming, but there's absolutely nothing I can do about it.  I'm trying not to let it get me down, but it's so hard.  The fatigue really gets to me and I also see signs of my condition changing for the worst.  Keeping a positive attitude is a challenge.
I have developed lumps in the joints of a few fingers (my left thumb being the worst) & my left knee. They are stiff and painful.  Last night, my knee felt hot with the pain.  This is is all new and it's terrifying.  I now have a bad knee, thumb, hip, shoulder and an inflamed eye to add to my bad back, neck and several other painful joints. I know this is how it gets every winter.  I don't know why I find it a shock to the system every time.
My mother in law has deformed hands due to arthritis.  I had her feel the lumps in my knuckles and asked her if that's how it started for her.  She gave me a sad look and confirmed it was.  'How long do I have?' I asked.  She said she didn't remember.  I pushed harder for an answer - 10 years? 5? 20?? She just didn't know.  I wanted to cry.  I don't want any of this.
I just finished working out,  I am pushing myself to do it hoping it will push me out of flare-up knowing full well, the extra exertion added to my fatigue may have the opposite effect, but I have to try.  I'm feeling very sorry for myself right now (having to take deep breaths and push back the tears forming in my eyes).  I don't want any of this.  I feel 80.  How am I going to feel in 5 or 10 years??...
I'll see the doctor this week. He'll tell me changing my meds won't help (as he tells me every year when the cold sets in) and he'll write yet another letter to get me in to see the specialist which will be pointless because I never get an appointment (f~cking socialized medicine!)  I just want answers.  I want someone to take some xrays or scans, look at my joints and give me a prognosis.  How long do I have before it all goes down hill?
Ok, I have to tell myself - take a deep breath.  Suck it up and drive on.  There's nothing else I can do, but try to fight it.  Sitting here crying is not going to do a damned bit of good.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Our Disaster of a Day!

My in-laws just left after a five day visit.  I don't mind it being a five day visit, but then again, five days of your house not being your own is always a bit unsettling and although I don't look forward to their departure when they are here, I can't say I'm sad to have things go back to normal. As a treat for my son's birthday, we took him to the Museum of Natural History in London on Thursday.  He chose to go because we took him last year (he's been crazy about dinosaurs since he was three years old).  They give out adventure packs at the museum which consist of a back pack, safari hat, and binoculars with an adventure to follow during their visit.  The back pack has clues in it to solve a mystery.  Last year it had a dinosaur claw, a tooth and a sample of dinosaur skin he had to match up to one on display.  He had a great time solving the mystery and even remembered which dinosaur it ended up being. Last year's trip was wonderful.  We walked right in,

Fight Club for Five Year Olds - Part 2

The other mother and I went into the school to meet with the teacher and the assistant head.  We both let them know how upset we were that we were not informed that our children were sent to the office and how much we were against the children being allowed to play fighting games on the playground.  I told them I wouldn't allow it at home and I'm really unhappy that it's being allowed at school.  They admitted it was a problem and explained that they are planning to introduce a a scheme to teach the children to play in a safe way.  They will be calling it 'Super Hero Training'.  They plan to give out capes & masks out to children who behave well as rewards at playtime.  They will have assemblies where they will teach the children to play fighting games without making contact.  I find this to be absurd.  The problem has gone on to long and I doubt they will be able to teach little children to change their games when they have sixty other children to look after on

Playing with my new lens...

I got a new camera lens for my birthday last week.  I don't have a lot of time to play with it, but this is one of the first shots I took...