I know I've been really quiet since the 'American Special' aired. I guess it got me down and I've been withdrawn. I just can't help but take it personally. I think I've seen it as another rejection by this country. I know it would be so much different if I had a circle of friends here that have made me feel welcome and accepted, but I've been here 2 and a half years now and it never happened. What's really sad is that the only friend I do have here is someone I had to pay to get to know me. What I mean is that my personal trainer and I have become more friends than anything else (I stopped paying him 5 months ago). He's a big support in trying to stay healthy and strong with my medical condition. The days we meet at the gym, he's also my pseudo girlfriend and we talk about all the things I wish I could talk to my girlfriends about on a regular basis. 3 days a week for a couple of hours, I get to feel normal until Wayne gets home from work. The rest of the time, I honestly feel really lonely.
It's not as if I haven't had opportunity to meet people. With my business I have met so many women. At the end of an event, I usually find myself surrounded by them laughing and enjoying the time with me. I do great with sales and I've been welcomed into their homes, but it stops there. I have never had even one of them offer a hand in friendship (besides the group of 19 year-olds I last did an event for. They wanted to hang out with me and take me clubbing, but I can't start hanging out with teenagers). I guess at this age and time in life, a lot of people aren't looking to expand their well established circle of friends. There have been days that I left the gym locker room hiding tears after watching the groups of friends interacting and planning lunch after a workout together.
So, I've become withdrawn and have thrown myself into work and my web design training which I've really neglected since my business got busy in November. The footbridge to the marina is closed for repairs this week, so I haven't been to the gym since last Wednesday and I'm feeling a bit stir-crazy and isolated. I can't even take solace in the fact that we have plans to move back because in order to make the move, we're going to have to save about 30k. I fear that summertime as our target may be a bit too optimistic and we'll have to put it off until next spring (we need to make the move in the warmer months so that Wayne will have a full season to establish work on construction sites). This will mean another year here and possibly a pregnancy without my friends and family - Not exactly ideal.
I fear this entry has become too much of a woe is me type entry so, I'm going to stop here. I guess I just wanted to explain my absence...
It's been a while since I blogged regularly. I guess I've been going by the rule - if you don't have anything nice to say - don't say anything at all. I hate 'woe is me' type entries and for the last month or so, I've been really down and haven't had anything good to say. I think it started with the news that Aniela (my fellow expat girlfriend) was moving back to the US and was exacerbated by the incident with Wayne's cousin and the flare up of my condition (along with a general feeling of homesickness & loneliness). I was really depressed for quite a few weeks there and haven't been doing much more than going to the gym and other random things to keep me busy during the day. I haven't even worked on my web classes (in any serious way) in weeks (probably because I can't concentrate when I'm in pain - never mind get very motivated). I'm not so down anymore. Maybe it's the sunshine. Maybe it's the fact that I'...
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